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ACT TWO
SHERRY GARISH
scene one
Walking on South Street
(TIMMY and BUSTER)
BUSTER:
I am NOT a racist!!
TIMMY:
I never said you were.
BUSTER:
I can't stand Busta Du Bois because he's an asshole. Not because he's black. He'd
be an asshole if he was a Chink or a Spic!
TIMMY:
All I ever bust you for is when you break a date with one girl to go out with another
and then you lie to the first one, and . . .
BUSTER:
You 're just jealous because you only got ONE girl.
TIMMY: (pause)
It was cool you could meet me while I'm not goin' to school.
BUSTER:
I thought you were supposed to be in the hospital.
TIMMY:
Out-patient.
BUSTER:
Oh, right. Well, my one girlfriend couldn't meet me and it was too late to get in
touch with the other ones.
TIMMY:
So it's not cool to be a racist, but it's O.K. to be a womanizer?
BUSTER:
Damn straight. As long as they don't know nothin', it's still P.C. But race shit
ain't P.C., no way! You can't get in the Ivy League if you're not P.C. Mrs. Garish
told me so.
TIMMY:
Damn. I bet the teachers back in Lower School didn't think we'd get such losers in
the Upper School.
BUSTER:
Some of them are nice.
II-2
TIMMY:
Nice, yes. But do you remember how great Mr. Moon was in the first and second grade?
BUSTER:
Oh yeah.
TIMMY:
Everything was better then.
BUSTER:
Better for you maybe.
TIMMY:
Remember the Medieval Faire when we were in Kindergarten? I was the Jester.
BUSTER:
I was his Dancing Bear.
TIMMY:
Remember the Joust? I was King Arthur's Knight.
BUSTER:
And I was his Lance.
TIMMY:
You were my Lance A Lot.
BUSTER:
Ha ha.
TIMMY:
Well, what about the Maypole Dance. I was the Maypole.
BUSTER:
I was a Streamer.
TIMMY:
Remember in third grade when we did the Navajo play?
BUSTER:
Turquoise Boy.
TIMMY:
Yeah, right!
BUSTER:
You were the Sun-Bearer and I was a Cactus.
TIMMY:
What about fourth grade then? Gingerale Fifeandrum was the best teacher I had in
the whole school. We did A Trio of Tall Tales, and we both got good parts. I was
Big Joe Magarac and you were Pecos Bill.
II-3
BUSTER:
You got to have muscles.
TIMMY:
But then there was the Middle School Play. It's A Wonderful Life. I was just one
of the townspeople and you were Mr. Martini.
BUSTER:
Yeah, well, when Mrs. Garish started to have something to do with it, I finally got
the roles I deserved.
TIMMY:
So now you're Dogberry and I'm George Seacole. Next year for Senior Play you'll be
the star and I'll probably be an offstage voice. My only chance to shine was when
Mrs. Garish was off on Sabbatical. I wonder what she did on Sabbatical anyway.
BUSTER:
I hear she had herself frozen.
TIMMY:
That must be why she still has that stick up her butt. Hey but the best was coming
here to Summer Drama Camp with Jen and Pete, wasn't it? They let us work together
instead of pitting us against each other.
BUSTER:
They weren't Quaker.
(Lights change.)
scene two
The Inner Sanctum of Maryjane Schwartzkoff
(MARYJANE, LIZARD and WILLARD)
MARYJANE:
We are all so concerned here at The Friends' Center about poor Timmy.
LIZARD:
Thank you.
MARYJANE:
How is he doing?
LIZARD:
Much better.
WILLARD:
Much better. His psychologist . . .
LIZARD:
Psychiatrist.
II-4
WILLARD:
Psychiatrist . . . at the Hospital has discovered the problem was with his medication.
MARYJANE: (not interested)
Really.
WILLARD:
He was being over medicated with a medicine he shouldn't have been taking in the
first place.
MARYJANE:
This of course is something you should be discussing with his physician and his .
. . psychologist, was it, or . . . phyciatrist.
WILLARD:
Psychologist.
LIZARD:
Psychiatrist.
WILLARD:
We knew we were right to question that whole thing to begin with.
MARYJANE;
What "whole thing," as it were?
LIZARD:
Willard . . .
WILLARD:
The Ritalin that the school insisted he take to begin with.
MARYJANE:
I'm sorry, but the school never insisted he take medication.
(Lights change.)
scene three
The Inner Sanctum of Mrs. Maryjane Schwartzkoff
one year and a half earlier
(MARYJANE, LIZARD and WILLARD)
LIZARD:
We can't understand why you wouldn't tell us on the phone what this meeting is about.
MARYJANE:
Well, now that you are here, I can tell you that a most important decision has to
be made. Timmy is in ninth grade and in Upper School, and there is no way that he
can do the work here at The Friends' Center without medication.
II-5
LIZARD:
What sort of medication?
MARYJANE:
Ritalin does wonders for these children, as it were.
WILLARD:
"These children"?
MARYJANE:
The so-called "Children of Difference," as it were.
WILLARD:
You mean students that have a Learning Difference? Kids with ADD?
LIZARD:
We are not talking about "These Children." We are talking about Timmy.
MARYJANE: (condescendingly)
Of course. And I believe the illness is now called ADWH: Attention Disorder Without
Hypertension.
LIZARD:
It's not an illness.
MARYJANE:
It's a disorder.
LIZARD:
And it is now called ADHD: Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder.
MARYJANE:
Of course it is. But Timmy isn't hyperactive.
WILLARD:
I thought it was ADD.
LIZARD:
No, it's ADHD.
MARYJANE:
Perhaps one days they will think of calling it ADWH, as it were, since that will
apply perfectly to Timmy and such children.
LIZARD: (with a hard look)
Perhaps.
WILLARD:
I think they should keep it ADD and stop messing with it. Like the third Canto of
Williams--or Classic Coke.
(MARYJANE allows herself to smile slightly.)
II-6
MARYJANE:
So it's agreed then?
WILLARD:
What?
MARYJANE:
That's good, because there's really no way we can allow Timmy to remain in our Upper
School if he does not take Ritilin. You will bring a few week's supply into the nurse
and Timmy will go to her during the day when he needs it and she will dispense it.
Of course, we can't have the students carrying around drugs! It is simply not to
be tolerated!
LIZARD:
Certainly prescribed drugs are not . . .
MARYJANE: (furiously)
They won't be on their person or anywhere near them!!
WILLARD:
We appreciate your vigilante fervor, you can be sure my good lady, but . . .
MARYJANE:
If you knew my family history, you would understand why I ride when the bugle calls.
LIZARD:
Tell us.
MARYJANE:
No. But I will tell you this: Timmy needs to be taking Ritilin regularly, as it were,
at school and at home, if he expects to succeed at The Friends' Center. I don't know
how
much clearer I can be.
LIZARD:
Well then . . . I suppose . . .
WILLARD:
If we must, we must.
(Lights change.)
scene four
The Inner Sanctum of Maryjane Schwartzkoff
The Present
(MARYJANE, LIZARD and WILLARD)
MARYJANE:
Your assertion is totally ridiculous. The school would not tolerate the promotion
of
II-7
drug use! I promised my brother and sisters that we would not be the enablers my
mother was.
LIZARD:
What was that?
MARYJANE:
Never you mind, Missy.
LIZARD:
Missy?
WILLARD:
Timmy was taking medicine for his learning difference that was not necessary, in
light of his evaluation. It had all sorts of negative side effects, and it wasn't
even the right medicine! He needed to be taking medicine for depression, not his
ADD.
LIZARD:
ADHD.
MARYJANE:
ADWH.
WILLARD:
ADDD.
LIZARD:
What?
WILLARD:
Attention Deficits Disguise Depression.
MARYJANE:
So Timmy had a drug problem, as it were.
LIZARD:
He did.
MARYJANE:
And his parents were aware of it, would you say?
WILLARD:
We had been assured it was fine.
MARYJANE:
Drugs are never fine.
WILLARD:
But . . .
LIZARD:
We were heartbroken when we were forced to make our son into a speed freak. But at
least he would be a speed freak graduate of The Friends' Center.
II-8
MARYJANE:
You'd think you would have taken the hint.
LIZARD:
What?
MARYJANE:
Never you mind, Missy.
LIZARD:
Why do you keep calling me Missy?
MARYJANE:
Oh was I? That was my little sister's name.
LIZARD:
She must have been sweet.
MARYJANE:
So when is Timmy getting out of the Hospital.
LIZARD:
They say two weeks.
WILLARD:
Which means he's making excellent progress. They're even saying it could be less
than two weeks!
MARYJANE:
My my.
WILLARD:
As soon as they got him off that medicine, he was fine.
LIZARD:
We do have to arrange for him to do his lessons with the Tutors there.
MARYJANE:
Oh of course! We would be all too happy to furnish them with our lessons. I'll assign
a liaison. And while we're on the subject of Timmy's lessons--I have a suggestion.
LIZARD:
What is it?
MARYJANE:
Poor Timmy has gotten so far behind in his studies. He's been out so much.
WILLARD:
This medicine has made him really sick.
MARYJANE:
Poor Darling. It would really be in his self-interest to drop a few of his courses
that he doesn't need for graduation. If he doesn't pass his French, one of our teachers
II-9
has just volunteered to give Timmy a special course in the summer. He should be able
to get through English and Math. He may have to take Math in the summer. But I would
recommend he drop his History and his Drama. History is so much work, and he can
take it over next year with his senior English. Then he would have two electives
in his senior year.
WILLARD:
But Drama is his major.
LIZARD:
He's thinking of switching anyway.
WILLARD:
But he's a brilliant actor. It's what he wants to do with his life!
LIZARD:
Mrs. Sherry Garish has drained him of that. He can see that he must drop his major.
WILLARD:
This can't be allowed!! How can the school permit this to happen?! Who is it that
makes sure Sherry Garish does her job?
MARYJANE:
That would be me.
WILLARD:
What about the Headmaster?
MARYJANE:
He's quite excited about Mrs. Garish taking her students to Edinburgh. Quite excited.
WILLARD:
And Timmy is quite excited about going to Edinburgh with his theatre group. He doesn't
want to drop Drama! Why shouldn't he drop French if he's going to make that up in
the summer?
MARYJANE:
If he drops two of his courses, then he can concentrate on the remaining three and
do so much better in them.
LIZARD:
He shouldn't have to drop any of his courses. Surely if someone is hospitalized,
they're given extra time in the summer to make them up.
WILLARD:
He could keep the History and really do a good job on it this summer.
MARYJANE:
I'm sorry, but we'd never allow that.
II-10
LIZARD:
Why not?
MARYJANE:
If Timmy wants to stay here at The Friends' Center, then he'll have to finish the
year along with everyone else in his class. The only way to do that is to drop two
of his courses.
WILLARD:
Well, it should come as no surprise after all this time: whatever Timmy needs to
do, he'll do it. He's always met all your roadblocks . . . I mean your challenges
. . . head on, and he's always come out on top.
MARYJANE: (under her breath)
We'll see.
WILLARD:
What?
MARYJANE:
He'll be. On top, as it were.
WILLARD:
Oh.
MARYJANE:
It's really for his own good. I strongly recommend he drop two courses.
LIZARD:
And if he does drop the courses, then he'll be able to make it up in the summer or
take it over next year and it won't affect his graduation?
MARYJANE:
Of course not. Would I recommend something that would affect his graduation?
(Lights change.)
scene five
A Leafy Bower at The Friends' Center
(TIMMY and SUZANNE)
SUZANNE:
I think about you all the time, Timmy. I have a little altar to you in one of my
bureau drawers.
TIMMY:
Really? Don't say that. You're freaking me out.
SUZANNE:
I'm not chewing newt tails into a ball and carrying them around in my bra or anything.
II-11
TIMMY:
What do you mean: an altar?
SUZANNE:
Oh, you know.
TIMMY:
No, I don't know. That's why I asked you.
SUZANNE:
Please don't be mad at me.
TIMMY:
Why do you say that? Does it sound like I'm mad at you?
SUZANNE:
Kind of.
(TIMMY kisses SUZANNE.)
TIMMY:
Better?
SUZANNE:
Kind of.
TIMMY:
I'm sorry. Before I went to the hospital, the medicine made me cranky. I couldn't
sleep or eat. Some of my friends would ask me what was wrong but I didn't really
know at that point so I couldn't tell them. . Now that I know the medicine was the
problem, I've stopped taking it, but I'm still cranky because I have another problem.
SUZANNE:
What's that?
TIMMY:
My teachers.
SUZANNE:
Oh good.
TIMMY:
Good?!
SUZANNE:
I was afraid it was me.
TIMMY:
How could it be you? I love you.
SUZANNE:
Do you really?
II-12
TIMMY:
Of course.
(They kiss.)
SUZANNE:
You never told me that before.
TIMMY:
Yes I did. You just weren't listening.
(Spot on SUZANNE. All else is suddenly dark.)
SUZANNE:
I'm not like the teachers. I always listen to you, Timmy. I always listen.
(The voice echoes: "I always listen. I always listen." Blue light on TIMMY
in his bedroom, lying in his bed. He sits up quickly, coming out of a dream.)
TIMMY: (softly)
Suzanne.
(Lights change.)
scene six
The Drama Room at The Friends' Center
(SHERRY, BUSTER and BUSTA)
(BUSTER and BUSTA are alone in the Drama Room waiting for Mrs. Garish.)
BUSTA:
This place gives me the creeps after everyone's gone. Why did Mrs. Garish tell us
to meet her here anyway? What did we do wrong now?
BUSTER:
Don't be such an asshole, dude. Just get ready to do some major brown-nosin'. And
remember: a lot goes a little ways with Sherry Garish!
(SHERRY GARISH ENTERS.)
SHERRY:
Well, hello . . . uh . . . boys. Are you, uh, here for a reason?
BUSTA:
You told us to come here, Mrs. Garish.
SHERRY:
I did not--if anyone . . . uh . . . asks. But now that you're here, you know . .
. uh . . . Timmy McCord is coming back to school tomorrow.
II-13
BUSTER:
Yeah?
BUSTA:
That's right, poor guy. I kept askin' him what's wrong and he'd never tell me.
SHERRY:
I'll tell you what's wrong.
BUSTER:
What?
SHERRY:
You two . . . uh . . . could be doing much better . . . much . . . better . . .
BUSTER:
How, Mrs. Garish?
SHERRY:
Yeah . . . uh . . . well . . . getting rid of the . . . uh . . . things that pull
you down, that
. . . distract you from your . . . true talent.
BUSTA:
What things?
SHERRY:
Well, there are . . . uh . . . only one.
BUSTER:
Tell us. We'll get rid of it.
SHERRY:
I'm afraid it's Timmy McCord.
(BUSTER and BUSTA look at each other.)
(looking from one to the other) I know you both want to do your best in the . . .
uh
. . . Drama course. It is your major.
BUSTA:
What are you talkin' about, Mrs. Garish?
SHERRY:
It will be quite easy to . . . uh . . . assure an A Plus. With a minor inconvenience.
BUSTA:
Which is?
SHERRY:
One day suspension. But I can assure you it won't be on your records.
BUSTA:
I do need the time to get ready for finals.
II-14
(Lights change.)
scene seven
The Cafeteria at The Friends' Center
(TIMMY, SUZANNE and TALISE)
TIMMY:
So I threw it out the car window!
SUZANNE:
You're kidding! And you didn't get caught?
TALISE:
What did you throw up? I wasn't listening.
TIMMY:
I didn't throw up anything, Talise. Not everyone is like you, you know. Some of us
have positive body images.
TALISE:
Oh, right. That's why you work out all the time. because you have a positive body
image.
TIMMY:
I work out to be healthy. Not to be something I'm not.
SUZANNE: (to TALISE)
Ever since Timmy stopped taking that awful ADD medicine that he didn't need anyway,
he's been really into health.
TALISE: (sarcastic)
How thrilling for all of us. Come on, Suzanne. We'll be late for Chorus.
SUZANNE: (smiling at TIMMY)
Timmy and I were talking. You go ahead, Talise. Maybe I'll skip Chorus today.
TALISE:
Humph!
(TALISE EXITS in a huff.)
TIMMY:
I really missed you, Suzanne. When I was out of school, I dreamed about you all the
time.
SUZANNE:
I'm so glad you're back and I hope Maryjane Schwartzkoff sees us together!! She told
Violet not to be your friend anymore. Said it would just "pull her down."
And if she says anything to us, I won't mind telling her how all the kids hate her
guts.
II-15
TIMMY:
Don't tell her that. Nobody could be a decent Dean when there's teachers like Mrs.
Garish at the school. And Miss Furor.
SUZANNE:
How can you be so nice to her. She has no right telling kids not to be your friend.
TIMMY:
She'll see she's wrong when she sees how much better I'm doing.
SUZANNE:
I hope you're right, Timmy. I hope you're right.
(Lights change.)
scene eight
A Leafy Bower at The Friends' Center
(TIMMY, BUSTER and BUSTA)
BUSTA:
Hey, Timmy! Welcome back to school, man!
BUSTER:
(to BUSTA) Shut up, Rag Head. (to TIMMY) Hey, Timmy, come with us for a second.
TIMMY:
Where?
BUSTER:
Just down the street a quarter block. You can see it from the sidewalk.
TIMMY:
What is it?
BUSTER:
A car turned a corner too fast and smashed into this garage. Completely destroyed
both of 'em. It's funny.
TIMMY:
I don't know. We're not supposed to be off campus without permission.
BUSTA:
You're right. If you don't wanna come . . .
BUSTER: (glaring at BUSTA)
Quiet, Melanzana.
(BUSTA grabs BUSTER by the collar and pulls him to him.)
BUSTA: (to BUSTER)
What did you call me?!!!
(They struggle.)
II-16
BUSTER:
Let go of me!
BUSTA:
What did you call me?!!!
BUSTER:
I call you all sorts of things! All the time!
BUSTA:
Never that! Never the M word! You better never call me that!
BUSTER:
Let go of me!
TIMMY:
Guys . . .?!
(They both look at TIMMY and then BUSTA pushes BUSTER away.)
BUSTER: (to TIMMY)
Come on, Timmy. It's just right down the street; you don't even have to cross. You'll
be back before anybody sees anything. It'll take three seconds.
TIMMY:
I don't know . . .
BUSTER:
Come on!
(Lights change.)
scene nine
The Inner Sanctum of Mrs. Maryjane Schwartzkoff
(MARYJANE and SHERRY)
SHERRY:
Timmy McCord left the campus! I . . . uh . . . saw it with my very own . . . uh .
. . eyes!
MARYJANE:
Who does he think he is?! I make all sorts of special arrangements--I bend over backwards
to give him my best, as it were--and this is how he treats me.
SHERRY:
He says really . . . uh . . . awful things about you behind your . . . uh . . . back.
MARYJANE:
He'll have to finish the year at home. That's all there is to it.
SHERRY:
No one wants him around here anymore! Not even the students!
(Lights change.)
II-17
scene ten
The Inner Sanctum of Mrs. Maryjane Schwartzkoff/A Phone Spot
(MARYJANE, TIMMY and WILLARD)
MARYJANE: (on phone)
Mr. McCord?
WILLARD: (on phone)
Actually, it's Doctor, Maryjane.
MARYJANE:
This is Maryjane Schwartzkoff calling. I have your son Timmy in the office with me,
as it were, and I will be handing the phone over to him.
(She hands the phone to TIMMY.)
TIMMY: (on phone)
Dad? Hi Dad.
WILLARD: (on phone)
Timmy! What's wrong?!
TIMMY:
Uh, Mrs. Schwartzkoff wanted me to talk to you. Some kids, uh, came up to me between
classes and asked me to go off campus with them.
WILLARD:
You didn't do it, did you, Timmy? You didn't go off campus!!?
TIMMY:
Yeah, I did and . . . they're suspending me.
WILLARD:
You have to stay home one day, you mean?!
TIMMY:
No . . . more than that.
WILLARD:
What?!
TIMMY:
But I was sick.
WILLARD:
Let me talk to her.
(TIMMY hands the phone to MARYJANE.)
MARYJANE: (very arch)
Hello. Mr. McCord?
II-18
WILLARD:
It's Doctor McCord. I keep telling you that. They never had trouble with my name
in Lower School or Middle School.
MARYJANE: (ignoring him)
Your son is in quite a bit of trouble here, as it were. He left school without permission,
which is one day suspension as it is . . .
WILLARD:
But he says he was sick.
MARYJANE:
Does he.
WILLARD:
Sometimes he has to get a quick snack or he gets sick because of this medicine you
have him on.
MARYJANE:
I have nothing to do with his medication.
WILLARD:
You told us he had to take it.
MARYJANE:
That would be a physician's prerogative. Now as I was saying, as it were, (increasing
in chillingly supernatural vocal tones) Timmy would normally get one day's suspension
for going off campus. But when . . . I asked him why, it was not for a . . . Quick
. . . Snack!! He . . . said . . . he . . . was . . . sick . . . and . . . had . .
. to . . . go . . . off
. . . campus . . . to . . . regurgitate!!!
WILLARD:
This medicine makes him so sick.
MARYJANE: (macabre in the extreme)
But he didn't go to the Nurse; he went to Off Campus!! And the faculty member who
observed him said that he did NOT regurgitate!! So he will be finishing his year
at home because he LIED to me!! He LIED!!!!
(Lights change.)
scene eleven
A Hallway at The Friends' Center
(SUZANNE, VIOLET and TALISE)
VIOLET:
You know there's a hexagram in the woods behind John Deere's house.
SUZANNE:
You mean the old woods between the playing fields?
II-19
TALISE:
That's a Suburban Legend.
VIOLET:
No it's true. Buster and Busta showed it to me. It's burned into the ground.
TALISE:
You went out there with Buster and Busta?
VIOLET:
So?
TALISE:
One coulda held you down and the other one had his way with you.
VIOLET:
Buster and Busta? Come on. They'd rather have their way with each other. You haven't
fallen for their "Blackie/Cracker" routine, have you?
SUZANNE:
There's a hexagram that's burned into the ground? You mean from, like, prehistoric
times?
VIOLET:
No, there's like paths and things. You can tell people go there all the time and
then they try to cover it up. You can see where there's paths going in.
TALISE:
Those are fox trails.
SUZANNE:
There aren't any foxes around here.
TALISE:
There's deer. Why can't there be foxes?
SUZANNE:
Deer ticks! Did you check yourself, Violet?
VIOLET:
Uh, hello? Aren't either of you concerned about the fact that there's some kind of
supernatural activity going on at a Friends school?
SUZANNE:
Supernatural?
VIOLET:
Earth to Suzanne! It's obvious they're practicing some kind of witchcraft or something.
How do you know they don't get rid of students who . . . fall in with them?
TALISE:
Fall in with them?
II-20
VIOLET:
You know, who . . . have some kind of secret pact with a teacher in order to get
ahead.
TALISE:
To get head, you mean.
SUZANNE:
Eeeeeeeuuuuu, Talise!!
TALISE: (insinuating)
Why would you be worried about having a secret pact with a teacher, Violet?
VIOLET:
I'm not. Why would I be? What are you saying, Talise?
(TALISE shrugs and EXITS.)
What have you heard, Talise? (following her out) Whatever you heard, it isn't true!
Talise!!
(Lights change.)
scene twelve
The Bedroom of Mr. and Mrs. McCord
Two Phone Spots
(MARYJANE and LIZARD)
LIZARD:
I don't understand! How could things have changed so drastically?! I thought you
were working with us!
MARYJANE:
Timmy refuses to let anyone work with him. He's an ungrateful wretch, as it were.
LIZARD:
He is grateful for all his advantages. He knows how hard it is for us to provide
them.
MARYJANE:
How terrible that he insults us all like this. He will have to complete his year
at home.
LIZARD:
What has he done that warrants his not being at school for the rest of the year?
MARYJANE:
It's only a few weeks.
LIZARD:
That puts him at a terrible advantage when he has to make up so much stuff.
MARYJANE:
He should have thought of that.
II-21
LIZARD:
Thought of it? Should he indeed. And what about the other boys?
MARYJANE:
Other boys?
LIZARD:
The other boys, two of them, who went off with Timmy, off campus--the ones who
talked him into it!
MARYJANE:
The teacher who reported it said that Timmy was the ringleader.
LIZARD:
Who is this teacher?
MARYJANE:
I am not at liberty, as it were, to divulge that sort of information.
LIZARD:
What about the other boys? What was their punishment?
MARYJANE:
They were . . . given a day's suspension, yes, that was it.
LIZARD:
And why should Timmy not have the same punishment as the others? The other two talked
him into it and they get one day suspension. Timmy gets three weeks through the end
of school?
MARYJANE: (coldly threatening)
I suppose you could force me to reconsider.
(Lights change.)
scene thirteen
The Drama Room at The Friends' Center
(SHERRY, SASSIE, YO and JOHN)
SHERRY:
Well, uh . . . isn't this nice we're . . . uh . . . all together.
YO:
I love to get together.
SHERRY:
Yes. Uh, we all need to get our . . . uh . . . priorities straight, since we will
be traveling together--you as . . . uh . . . Chaperones and I as your . . . uh .
. . Intrepid Leader.
YO:
Excuse please. This Intrepid is a quote from Star Track, is it not so?
II-22
SHERRY;
Audacious.
SASSIE:
Like gutsy.
JOHN:
Stalwart.
SHERRY:
Undaunted. (pause) Honestly, Yo. You'd . . . uh . . . never know you've been here
almost . . . uh . . . twenty years.
YO:
Ah yes i lucky. I got in here before they begin very strict, yes, and only you can
be from Smith or Vassar, yes.
SASSIE: (down her nose)
And like you were from . . . ?
YO:
The Culinary Institute of Nagasaki. It is Home of Blackened Tuna.
JOHN:
(to YO) I believe that is Creole. Sherry, we have some business?
SHERRY:
John Deere, I love it when you're forceful. Our business is this: There is no way
that Timmy McCord is going on this trip. He's been nothing but a nuisance since he
. . . uh . . . upstaged my star pet in the ninth grade. Yeah, well--there is no way
I am . . . uh . . . traveling to Edinburgh with Timmy McCord. Accordingly . . . uh
. . . I have sent the Headmaster a missive that . . . uh . . . clearly and unequivocally
states that all the chaperones--that means you too, Yo-- have . . . uh, absolutely
refused to be responsible for Timmy due to his . . . uh . . . indecorous mental and
physical condition. Is this understood? Please tell me now if it is not--because
I, uh, will need to make arrangements for a new Chaperone to join us in London and
Edinburgh for a time they will remember all their . . . uh . . . their lives.
JOHN:
Is this fair to Timmy?
SHERRY:
Timmy is falling apart. He's becoming more and more unstable. His psychiatrist says
he may try to throw himself from the plane!
JOHN:
Surely the hospital would not have sent him back to school if . . .
II-23
SHERRY:
Do you know I have a waiting list of people who want to be Chaperones? I thought
you were looking forward to the world's largest ferris wheel.
JOHN:
I was. I am.
SHERRY:
And who is . . . uh . . . running this trip?
JOHN:
You are, of course.
SHERRY:
None of you want Timmy McCord. Understood?
(Lights change.)
scene fourteen
The Bedroom of Timmy McCord
(LIZARD and TIMMY)
LIZARD:
Timmy, they're asking for volunteers from the Junior class to help at graduation.
What do you think? It might be a good way of getting back into the swing of things.
TIMMY:
I don't think so, Mom. It's a good idea and all but I have so much work if I'm gonna
get a decent grade in English and Math. I wanna show them I can do it in the same
time as everyone else.
LIZARD:
I don't know if that's a good idea, Timmy. We could make them give you more time.
A lawyer told me so.
TIMMY:
I can do it. They'll see how much better I am.
(Lights change.)
scene fifteen
The Boudoir of Mrs. Sherry Garish
(SHERRY)
SHERRY: (on phone)
Yes, Mrs. McCord, I know how much you've done for the trip . . . uh, yeah, well .
. . I'm . . . uh . . . sure you went out of your way. Yes, uh, that's sweet the South
Street business people support Timmy. But,well, uh, it would not be . . . uh . .
. pertinent. Well, there have been bigger contributors. Some families were able to
buy a whole page in the Sponsor Book themselves, and then they . . . uh . . . bought
one for the
II-24
grandparents. Of course, not all families can do that. And they . . . uh . . . also
might be prepared to eat their losses if their son or daughter didn't go. That's
the kind of parent we like in the Drama Program! Yeah, well, you'll just have to
face facts. All of the . . . uh . . . chaperones refuse to be responsible for Timmy
on the . . . uh . . . trip. None of them want him.
(Lights change.)
scene sixteen
Outside the Auditorium at The Friends' Center
(TIMMY and SUZANNE)
TIMMY:
Will you call me tonight?
SUZANNE:
Don't I always?
TIMMY:
Just wanted to make sure. I need to talk. All the teachers have turned against me.
I guess they all just think I'm a loser.
SUZANNE:
The kids don't think that.
TIMMY:
The ass-kissers do.
SUZANNE:
I don't.
TIMMY:
That's just because your parents haven't talked you into it yet.
SUZANNE:
Don't say that. I'd never turn my back on you. Never!
TIMMY:
We'll see.
(Lights change.)
scene seventeen
Two Phone Spots
(Maryjane and Dr. Jay)
MARYJANE: (on phone)
I've been wanting to talk to you about Timmy McCord. I realize that doctor/client
confidentialities are de rigeur, as it were.
DR. JAY: (on phone)
But naturally, Madame Dean. That is why I got permission from Timmy's parents to
II-25
speak with you. They are most anxious to resolve the situation.
MARYJANE:
Are they. Well, let me start by telling you what the school will accept as parameters
of conversation concerning former students.
DR. JAY:
Former students, did you say, my good lady?
MARYJANE:
Oh, of course I meant to say "soon-to-be-former."
DR. JAY:
It was my understanding that you wished to learn the facts of Timmy's condition so
you could accurately make your informed decision.
MARYJANE: (laughing)
Oh, heavens no! If my staff is meant to make an "informed" decision, they
shall wait until I inform them what it is, as it were.
DR. JAY:
Then what, pray tell, O Quaker Oracle, is the purpose of this conversation, may I
be so bold to ask?
MARYJANE:
No you may not. Now . . . the parameters of this conversation will be what you will
do and say in your sessions with the "soon-to-be-former" student to lead
him gently away from the only school he's ever known and then to help him promptly
forget it.
DR. JAY:
I beg your pardon?
MARYJANE;
I never grant pardon but you may beg, as it were.
DR. JAY:
Both Timmy's parents' and my own expectations were to apply a balm to Timmy's school
traumas and help pave his way back to his normal life, my Valedictory Vaseline, my
Mundane Macadam.
MARYJANE:
His "normal life" will no longer include The Friends' Center.
DR. JAY:
Then that of course would not be normal. Such an esteemed woman as yourself would
surely know that.
MARYJANE:
I am esteemed, it is true. But such an esteemed woman as myself knows that even the
most brilliant genius--such as myself since that is why I am so esteemed--has no
easy
II-26
task answering the age old question: "What IS normal?"
DR. JAY:
"Normal" in Timmy's case would be The Friends' Center, Omnipotent One.
MARYJANE:
But Timmy's "normality"--and I shudder to even think what that might be--is
thankfully beyond the parameters of this conversation.
DR. JAY:
Au contraire, ma cher chicane, mon chipoteur chemineau. It is the whole raison d'etre
for our words.
MARYJANE:
I know it's highly touted, but the dispersal of Gaelic phrases in a conversational
mode, even when one is affecting intimacy, has never done that much for me, as it
were.
DR. JAY:
Then allow me to Anglicize, my episcopal epithet. Timmy considers himself a "lifer."
His entire self-image is thoroughly grounded in his thirteen years at the school.
It would be an unmitigated act of terrorism to his psyche to cut him off from his
lifeblood: his friends and The Friends' Center.
MARYJANE:
How is your sweet daughter, Dr. Cuze?
DR. JAY:
Fine. (rattled but pressing the point) Especially important is this Edinburgh trip
which is not only involving his central focus for the future but also, in many intricate
ways, his family's history and life work as well as his entire definition of Self.
MARYJANE:
Your daughter has such a loving personality. All her teachers love her. It would
be a shame, would it not, if she acquired a reputation for . . . insubordination,
as it were?
DR. JAY:
How could that be? You said everybody loves her there.
MARYJANE:
Oh, reputations can be made . . . and unmade . . . with the flick of a braceleted
wrist. (She jangles her bracelets into the phone.)
DR. JAY: (brief pause as he gathers himself)
What are you saying, my award-winning administrator?!
II-27
MARYJANE:
Oh, it's not what's said. It's what's suggested by innuendo, as it were. And the
shade of my lipstick. Did you know that my staff knows not to mention certain people
on the days I wear Modlgliani Melon or Forever Frostbite??
DR. JAY:
I'll have to become more familiar with Revlon.
MARYJANE:
Aveeda, please. It's hyperallergenic.
DR. JAY:
Be that as it may, you Princess of Maine, you Queen of New England. But Timmy MUST
be allowed to go to Edinburgh with his friends, especially after all the physic trauma
that the school has caused and thus is responsible for alleviating.
(Lights change.)
scene eighteen
The Inner Sanctum of Maryjane Schwartzkoff
(MARYJANE, SHERRY, YO and JOHN)
MARYJANE:
Timmy's psychiatrist says he doesn't even WANT to go to Edinburgh!
SHERRY:
Well, uh, yeah . . . that's it then.
YO:
We have to . . . eh . . . tell him we know. We know he no want to go. So he may as
well stop this wanting to go. It is not good for him if he has to have doctor.
JOHN:
Why would he say he wants to go then? It doesn't make sense. His desire to go seems
genuine.
MARYJANE:
It is my utmost belief, as it were, that none of us should disagree with a student's
psychiatrist.
YO:
I would be glad to follow two steps behind you and with mincing steps. I like to
do the mincing steps.
MARYJANE:
Well that's fine, Yo. It takes a strong woman to follow behind.
YO:
And even stronger with the mincing. It makes your arches very buff.
II-28
SHERRY:
So . . . uh . . . Timmy doesn't even want to go to Edinburgh.
JOHN:
I . . . feel there must be more here than meets the eye.
MARYJANE:
You are meeting my eye, as it were, John Deere. I have my eye on you.
(Lights change.)
scene nineteen
The Boudoir of Mrs. Sherry Garish
(SHERRY)
SHERRY: (on phone)
Yeah, well, uh, it would be in your best interest to . . . uh . . . ask for your
money back. You may end up losing it all and I . . . uh . . . don't think that would
be . . . yes, well, in your best interest. The chaperones don't want him and the
students don't . . . uh . . . want him either. He's not a member of the community.
Uh, yes I know he's gone to the school for thirteen years, but . . . but . . . I
thought you were looking at another school. I suppose it's just a rumor then. You
really should ask for your money back.
(Lights change.)
scene twenty
Buster's Bedroom
(TAMMY and BUSTER)
TAMMY:
Buster, can I talk to you a minute.
BUSTER:
I'm busy, Mom. I got a couple girls to call.
TAMMY:
I've got to talk to you, Buster. I'm concerned.
BUSTER:
Don't worry. I won't make dates with three girls at once again. I learned my lesson.
Actually, there's two girls . . .
TAMMY:
That's not it. Wait. what do you mean three girls at once?! You're just saying that
to get me upset.
BUSTER: (not meaning it)
You're always upset.
II-29
TAMMY:
That's not true. And that's not what I wanted to talk about. I want to talk to you
about Timmy McCord.
BUSTER:
Who?
TAMMY:
Timmy McCord? You're best friend for thirteen years?
BUSTER:
See? I've forgotten him already.
TAMMY:
Buster, I'm being serious.
BUSTER:
So am I. I knew you were gonna come talk to me about it. Don't worry. Everything's
under control.
TAMMY:
I know how upset you were when they threw out your other friend when he made a joke
on the Web, and you were only friends with him a couple years. You went on the radio
and everything and said terrible things about the school.
BUSTER:
Now you call it just a big "joke on the Web"? Back then, you were the big
Zero Tolerance promoter: "A joke's not a joke anymore after Columbine"!
TAMMY:
That's just because you were so fast to jump on the school.
BUSTER:
I knew you were gonna come to me all concerned about how I'd handle this new
thing. So before you give me the whole long lecture, I just want you to know everything's
cool. O.K.?
TAMMY:
What "whole long lecture"?
BUSTER: (imitating his mother)
"You have one year left. All these teachers are writing recommendations to the
Ivy Leagues. You can't antagonize them. Your whole future's at stake!"
TAMMY:
That's not what I was going to say at all!
BUSTER:
It wasn't?
II-30
TAMMY:
No.
BUSTER:
So you want me to go to Mrs. Schwartzkoff and complain that Mrs. Garish is mistreating
Timmy?
TAMMY: (weakly)
Did he ask you to do that?
BUSTER:
Yeah he asked me. I told him I wouldn't.
TAMMY:
Why?
BUSTER:
Because she likes me, Mrs. Garish. It's because of her I'll get in Yale or Julliard.
There's no point going to a big expensive school like The Friends' Center if you
don't get into a top college, right? So what if Mrs. Garish is a piece of shit.
TAMMY:
What?
BUSTER:
All the kids know she's a loser. You should hear all the fake speeches they make
up when they have to give her Opening Night flowers: "Thanks for Nothing, Mrs.
G. We all got together and chipped in for a one-way ticket to the Fat Farm."
Timmy could come up with some great jabs, too, but he wouldn't turn around and kiss
her ass. Timmy wouldn't play the game, so he lost.
TAMMY:
And I know how you must feel about what the school's done to him.
BUSTER:
I don't feel anything.
TAMMY:
You've been best friends with him since Pre-K. That's practically all your life!
BUSTER:
So?
TAMMY:
You're going to naturally feel that he . . .
BUSTER:
I told you I don't feel a thing. I'm goin' off to college and a career the same as
all the other kids. Everyone except Timmy, that is. The only time we see each other
is at Reunions every ten years for a couple hours where we try to impress each other
II-31
with how truly superior our lives have been. Timmy probably wouldn't have played
that game, either.
TAMMY:
But when you've been friends for so long . . .
BUSTER:
I don't give a shit. Listen, Mom, I've got some calls to make. I've got to make dates
with three girls at once. I'm gettin' horny here.
TAMMY:
You're just saying that to get me upset. But how will . . .
BUSTER:
Forget about Timmy McCord. Being friends with him is not gonna help me meet the right
people.
(Lights change.)
scene twenty-one
The Greyfriars's Living Room
(TAMMY and LOVITZ)
TAMMY:
Lovitz, we've got to talk to our son!
LOVITZ:
What's wrong now? Another drinking party?
TAMMY:
No. This is important. Buster is scaring me. He's really scaring me.
LOVITZ:
Forget it. Let him go out with as many girls as he wants. They'll wear him out eventually.
TAMMY:
It's not the girls either. It's his soul!
LOVITZ: (chuckling)
You better not let Buster hear you say he needs "soul."
TAMMY:
I mean his feelings, his humanity!
LOVITZ:
Oh, just go take a walk in the woods.
TAMMY:
It's not my imagination this time. He doesn't seem to have any feelings--he can just
turn them off and on, that's the problem. He seems so cold-hearted. That's not good.
II-32
There must be more to it than he lets on. He's keeping it all bottled up and that's
not good, that's not good.
LOVITZ:
Calm down, Tammy. What are you talking about?
TAMMY:
Timmy McCord.
LOVITZ:
Oh God.
TAMMY:
They've been best friends since they were five years old. Timmy has stayed overnight
here thousands of times in the last thirteen years. The same with Buster at Timmy's
house. They've spend time at the beach together every summer. Now all of a sudden
Buster is acting as if Timmy never even existed. I'm very frightened. It's scaring
me.
LOVITZ:
Look, Tammy, why do you think we're sending Buster to a school like The Friends'
Center? We want the best for him, right? We want him to succeed in life. And you
and I both know what life is like, what you have to do to succeed. Buster's ready
to go out there and get the best for himself. He'll be the winner. He'll have all
the other guys eating his dust. Why the hell else did we spend a hundred fifty thousand
dollars on an education? Why the hell else did I spend all these years stretching
all those ugly old faces tighter than Saran Wrap on Tupperware??!
(Lights change.)
scene twenty-two
The Boudoir of Mrs. Sherry Garish
(SHERRY)
SHERRY: (on phone)
Uh, yeah . . . .uh . . . none of the chaperones will take the responsibility. You
know, the hospitalization and all. No, that is not their job. I have talked with
them; they won't change their minds. If you refuse to ask for your money back and
take Timmy's name off the list, then one of you . . . uh . . . you or your husband
will have to accompany him, and . . . uh . . . you know, the kids won't like you
coming along with them . . . uh . . . even on their free time, you'll have to be
with your son, so . . . I have to think about how Timmy will feel. I'm sure he won't
want his parents with him everywhere . . . uh . . . when all the rest of them go
off by themselves. I mean . . . uh . . . have you considered Timmy's feelings at
all?
(Lights change.)
II-33
scene twenty-three
The Parking Lot at The Friends' Center
(WILLARD and JOHN)
WILLARD:
When they took the class trip to Baltimore, that was a test trip for Scotland. Maryjane
Schwartzkoff told us that if he passed, that would show that he would do well at
Edinburgh. And Timmy has never been a problem on a trip.
JOHN:
I was not aware of that.
WILLARD:
Timmy was taking medicine he shouldn't have been taking. He's so much better now.
You'll see. And he's being treated for the depression he should have been treated
for all along.
JOHN:
I was not aware of the depression.
WILLARD:
Well, now that you know, do you still refuse to supervise Timmy?
JOHN:
Let me put it this way. If Sherry wanted him to go, I would be chaperoning him.
(Lights change.)
scene twenty-four
The Inner Sanctum of Mrs. Maryjane Schwartzkoff
(MARYJANE, LIZARD and WILLARD)
MARYJANE:
Of course you realize that Timmy can not be a senior next year.
WILLARD:
What!!??
LIZARD:
What!!??
MARYJANE:
Since he dropped two of his courses, he won't have the number of credits he needs
to become a senior.
WILLARD:
But you didn't tell us that when we agreed to drop two courses! What about his making
up his French in the summer. What about our discussion about his taking his History
class over next year along with his English and his two electives?!
II-34
MARYJANE:
I never discussed his taking Senior courses here!!
WILLARD:
You certainly did. You said he could take his . . .
MARYJANE:
I NEVER DISCUSSED A SENIOR SCHEDULE FOR TIMMY MCCORD!!!!!
(The audience hisses. Lights change.)
scene twenty-five
The Bedroom of Timmy McCord
(TIMMY and LIZARD)
LIZARD:
Timmy?
TIMMY:
What is it Mom? I'm reading something for English.
LIZARD:
Pop Pop passed away.
TIMMY:
What? They said he would be O.K.!
LIZARD:
They just called. He was bleeding internally and they didn't know it. They were
doing some kind of a test and they broke a blood vessel.
TIMMY:
Because of a mistake?
LIZARD:
He had lost too much blood by the time they discovered it. He had a massive heart
attack.
TIMMY:
Pop Pop?
(TIMMY starts to weep and LIZARD embraces him. Lights change.)
scene twenty-six
The Inner Sanctum of Mrs. Maryjane Schwartzkoff
(SHERRY, MARYJANE, JOHN and SASSIE)
MARYJANE:
Timmy's psychiatrist says the school's a bad influence. It's for his own good we'll
have to cut ourselves off from him, as it were.
II-35
SASSIE:
Well, it's like almost Doctor's Orders to throw 'im out, I'm sure!
SHERRY:
One can't . . . uh . . . argue with . . . uh . . . funny farmers.
JOHN:
Dickinson will simply say, Herod-like (imitating DICKINSON coldly) "What can
I do? I must leave it up to the doctor." Is this what we really want to do?
SHERRY:
Ah yes, uh, John. This is what we really really REALLY want to do.
(Lights change.)
scene twenty-seven
The Office of Dr. Jay Cuze
(JAY in phone spot)
JAY:
The school says what?! Maryjane Schwartzkoff says I said WHAAT?!!! You must let me
e-mail her!!!!! How can she be attributing such statements to me? This is privileged
information; plus I've never said such a thing, Mrs. McCord--and neither has Timmy!!!
(Quick Blackout)
Maryjane, you really must rein yourself in a bit, my Overzealous Overdrive. I don't
mind you saying certain things that may not be true, but as far as making me the
key reason for Timmy's dismissal . . . uh huh . . . uh huh . . . yes, my daughter
is doing very well. Yes, she likes her new schedule. You've been very helpful. Yes
. . . but
. . . hello? (He looks at the phone and then hangs up.)
(Lights change.)
scene twenty-eight
The Inner Sanctum of Mrs. Maryjane Schwartzkoff
(MARYJANE and WILLARD)
MARYJANE:
I know what it's like.
WILLARD:
You do?
MARYJANE:
To lose a father. I've been there myself, as it were.
WILLARD:
Then you must understand what Timmy's going through. I'm an only child and
II-36
Timmy's an only child. He and his grandfather were very, very close. This has had
a devastating effect on Timmy.
MARYJANE:
Of course.
WILLARD:
For thirteen years now, you've prepared Timmy for his final year. All the build up.
Senior projects. Senior privileges. The special events and the fanfare. He's been
preparing for this all his life.
MARYJANE:
Of course we want to do what's best for Timmy, as it were. And that is why he will
be enjoying his senior privileges somewhere else.
WILLARD:
How can you do this to him?
MARYJANE:
Timmy needs to feel better about himself.
WILLARD:
Now let me get this straight: in order to accomplish that, you plan to throw him
out of the only school he's ever known one year before he graduates? Was there a
meeting about this? Where you all sat around and decided: "Timmy isn't feeling
so good about himself. What can we do? I've got it! We can throw him out of school!!"
MARYJANE: (smiling)
Something like that.
(Lights change.)
scene twenty-nine
The Living Room of the McCord Home
(LIZARD and WILLARD)
WILLARD:
I was explaining to her about Timmy's absences and was suggesting rather diplomatically
, , ,
LIZARD:
My turn. Timmy's changing psychiatrists.
WILLARD:
I was saying . . .
LIZARD:
Enough already about Maryjane Schwartzkoff. Jesus, Mary and Joseph. This is important,
because you'll tell me I never told you, so listen.
II-37
WILLARD:
Can't you tell me after I'm finished?
LIZARD:
You're never finished.
WILLARD:
Oh you. Besides, I already know that. He's not at the hospital anymore.
LIZARD:
No, not that psychiatrist. That was a psychologist, anyway. Dr. Jay Cuze--that's
the one he's changing. God. He's helping him with certain things, but he won't deal
with the school at all. Timmy needs someone with no connections to the school.
WILLARD:
This is what I said from the very beginning. Oh you.
LIZARD:
And do you know what? It appears there's a shrink in town who specializes in victims
of The Friends' Center! Can you believe that?!
(Lights change.)
scene thirty
The Boudoir of Mrs. Sherry Garish
(SHERRY)
SHERRY: (on phone)
We can . . . uh . . . talk about Timmy's physical condition some other time. I .
. . uh . . . couldn't be less interested at this point. Well . . . uh . . . if you
don't ask for your money back, then you'll simply lose it. If you insist on Timmy
going, you would have to make all your own arrangements, and . . . uh . . . how do
you expect to get airline tickets at this late date? Of course Timmy already has
a ticket on our flight but he . . . uh . . . won't be able to use it since he must
be accompanied by . . . uh . . . you, and you can't get tickets. Yes, he has tickets
to all the events in London and Edinburgh, but again . . . uh . . . of course, whether
he could use them or not depends on whether you and/or your husband are able to get
tickets to the events. I would . . . uh . . . really suggest you ask for your money
back. What do you mean?! We're not going to simply . . . uh . . . return it. You
have to ask for it. That's the Quaker Way!
(Lights change.)
scene thirty-one
The McCord Home
(LIZARD)
II-38
LIZARD: (on phone)
Hello, Mrs. Garish? This is Lizard R. McCord. I am calling to request our money back
for the trip.
(Lights change.)
scene thirty-two
The Bedroom of Suzanne Adream
(SUZANNE, BETTY and BUCKLEY)
BUCKLEY: (barging in)
Suzanne, we have to talk to you right now!
SUZANNE:
What is it, Dad? I have a paper to finish.
BETTY: (still standing in the doorway)
If this is a bad time, dear, then we can come back.
BUCKLEY:
We will not come back! We need to talk this minute!
BETTY:
Calm down, darling.
BUCKLEY: (not calm)
I am calm, goddam it!!
SUZANNE:
What's going on?
BUCKLEY:
I'll tell you what's going on! We just got a call from Sherry Garish!
SUZANNE:
Is it about the trip to Edinburgh?
BETTY:
In a way, dear, but if you would rather talk about it later . . .
BUCKLEY:
Mrs. Garish tells us that you are "seeing" Timmy McCord and that he is
not being allowed to take the trip because he's being thrown out of school for all
sorts of reprehensible behavior.
SUZANNE:
What!! How dare she!!
BETTY:
She seems to be concerned that you might be next, dear.
SUZANNE:
What!!
II-39
BUCKLEY:
What does she mean you're "seeing" him?
BETTY:
You know they go to the roller rink in Villanova, darling. And they went to see I
Think I Know What You Screamed Summer Before Last or whatever it was called. What
was it called, dear?
SUZANNE:
Sherry Garish is an evil woman, Mom. And--Dad--I will not be called upon to explain
or interpret her.
BUCKLEY:
Oh you will not? I believe you will, young lady, when you hear what I have to say.
BETTY: (to BUCKLEY)
Now, darling, remember your hypertension.
BUCKLEY:
How can I forget it when you're around, Betty. Now, Suzanne, you and I will have
to sit down and explain exactly why you are at The Friends' Center and what it means
to be third generation in the family, your mother a graduate, my father a graduate
and a Board member before me.
SUZANNE:
I don't care about all that!
BUCKLEY:
Oh, I think you will care when I'm finished. I think you will care.
(Lights change.)
scene thirty-three
The Bedroom of Lizard and Willard McCord
(LIZARD and WILLARD)
WILLARD:
That's the worst of it. Timmy was such a compassionate and caring kid.
LIZARD:
That's why we thought he was perfect at a Friends school.
WILLARD:
Everybody liked him. He was the most popular kid in the class. Remember when Morgan,
God bless her, ran up to us at one of the functions and said, "Your son Timmy
is S-O F-U-N-N-Y!!" Remember that? But now he's found out all his friends, practically
the only ones he's had all his life--he went out of the neighborhood to school so
he didn't have any in the neighborhood. . .
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LIZARD:
Now he's found out . . . ?
WILLARD:
All his friends weren't his friends at all.
LIZARD: (shakes her head in agreement)
I feel so sick about all this.
WILLARD:
Now I'm so afraid he won't trust anyone.
LIZARD:
I know.
WILLARD:
Anytime someone wants to be his friend, he'll just think they want to stab him in
the back. You know the most horrible thing?
LIZARD:
What?
WILLARD:
They've made him into one of them!
LIZARD:
Who died and left you the All-Knowing Oracle?
WILLARD:
Oh you.
(Lights change.)
scene thirty-four
Philadelphia International Airport
(TIMMY, SHERRY, DICKINSON, YO, JOHN, SASSIE, MARYJANE, BUSTER, VIOLET, TALISE, BUSTA,
SUZANNE, LOVITZ, TAMMY, HERB, MOLLY, BETTY and BUCKLEY)
(The stage is sharply divided into two areas: upstage and downstage. Upstage is the
Departure Room at a large city airport with a raised walkway farthest upstage backed
by large plate glass windows looking out onto a busy grid of runways and searchlights.
A banner has been hung in front of the walkway reading "THE FRIENDS' CENTER"
but a crowd is standing upstage left and
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upstage right blocking the first and last word so the sign simply reads "FRIENDS."
There are a number of American flag banners on either side of the stage, and a number
of the crowd are carrying American flags, some rather large ones, which they wave
in the air. SHERRY, MARYJANE and DICKINSON gather at center upstage on the walkway.
JOHN, SASSIE, VIOLET, TALISE, BUSTA, HERB and MOLLY are below them. Downstage is
in different lighting and is completely bare except for TIMMY DL.)
MARYJANE: (using Mister Microphone)
Ah! Here we are at last--in the spacious corridors of the Philadelphia International
Airport! I know we all thought that August 2000 would never come! But here it is
and here we are, as it were! Surrounded by milquetoast flight attendants, humorously
incompetent yet surly suitcase inspectors and blissfully unaware yet unpampered passengers!!
And we love them all because it is them that we represent as Drama Ambassadors Abroad!!
And while we roam the Royal Mile of Edinburgh the glorious colors of red, white and
blue will shine from our faces!!!
SHERRY:
Or . . . uh . . . "colours" as they say over there.
(YO ENTERS DL near TIMMY.)
TIMMY:
Oh Miss Koyono, please help me out. You've been at the school since my first day
there. Can't you please ask them to reconsider what they're doing? Remind them that
they're Quakers?
YO:
Ah .....................so............................. (very quickly) bye bye.
(YO scurries off to join the others upstage.)
SHERRY:
We are all . . . uh . . . prepared to be so proud of all you . . . kids . . . who
worked for two years to be able to . . . uh . . . show off. The . . . uh . . . American
High school Theater
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Association is a very very very exclusive club to which you all belong. Uh, this
year at least.
(BUSTER, TAMMY and LOVITZ ENTER DR.)
TIMMY:
Buster! Hey, Dude! Have fun, man!!
(BUSTER pretends he doesn't see or hear him. He crosses upstage, waving at SHERRY
who waves back warmly. LOVITZ follows BUSTER upstage, also waving at SHERRY. TAMMY
hesitates for a moment, looking at TIMMY with a pained expression, and then she too
hurries upstage.)
SHERRY:
We have to wait at least two more years before the school can show off yet again.
But that's alright. The next two senior classes are not nearly as talented as you!
Do you know that your class has two or three--almost four--students who are almost
certain to be accepted at Julliard or . . . uh . . . its equivalent!!
(SUZANNE, BETTY and BUCKLEY ENTER DL near TIMMY.)
SUZANNE: (rushes over to TIMMY)
Timmy! What are you doing here?
TIMMY:
I came to . . . see you off.
BUCKLEY: (standing back)
Suzanne! Come here!
TIMMY:
I'll miss you.
BETTY: (standing back)
Suzanne, dear! Come be with your friends!
SUZANNE:
Oh, Timmy.
TIMMY:
Send me a postcard?
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BUCKLEY:
Suzanne! Come here right now!
SUZANNE:
I'm sorry, Timmy. I can't.
TIMMY:
You can't write me?
SUZANNE: (bursts into tears)
I'm so sorry.
BUCKLEY: (crosses, to TIMMY)
Are you satisfied now? You've ruined your own life. Now you have to ruin hers?
(BUCKLEY pulls SUZANNE away from TIMMY as they try to embrace. BETTY crosses to SUZANNE
and puts her arm around her.)
BETTY: (to TIMMY)
This is supposed to be a happy day for our little girl. (to SUZANNE) You see how
selfish he is, darling?
(BETTY and BUCKLEY walk away with SUZANNE, who tries to look back at TIMMY. They
join the others upstage.)
SHERRY:
And . . . uh, yeah . . . well, never since the Enlightenment has there been such
enlightened leadership as . . . uh . . . we have . . . well, we've simply basked
in the . . . uh . . . glory from above. No, uh, not the Lord. Rather, I give you
Lord Dickinson Fenster, Headmaster of Headmasters!!
DICKINSON: (to much applause, huzzahing and flag-waving)
Thank you, thank you! You are the Colossus of Rhodes!!! You are the Library at Alexandria!!
The Kyber Pass!!! Oh yes, I could use Scottish references, but none of you would
know what they are. For example, I could say you are the Old Man of Storr
but you might strike me even though I'm a pacifist!! Old Man of Storr, I say. Old
Man of Storr! Ha! Ha ha! IT'S MAGICAL!!
(There is a very loud clanging sound suggesting a cell door slamming shut. Instantly,
the stage lighting changes radically, silhouetting the crowd upstage and
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emphasizing the difference in the two spaces: upstage with the darkened silhouettes
of joyous crowd and waving banners and downstage with the single figure bathed inwhat
is now an
otherwordly light.
A discomforting sound steadily grows louder, a distant buzzing of
dangerous machinery. Slowly, TIMMY turns out toward the audience and looks at them
questioningly, looking into their faces steadily one at a time. The lights dim very
very slowly. When the auditorium is in darkness, the loud mechanical sound is cut.)
Act Two
SHERRY GARISH: A MONSTER PLAY
Will Yo Koyono or John Deere
find some courage ?
Will Sherry Garish or Maryjane Schwartzkoff have a heart ?
Will Sassie K. Furor, like, EVER find a brain ??
YULE SEE
XMAS 2002
ACT THREE
"CONSENSUS"
Back to
Act I
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