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SHERRY GARISH
a monster play
by
Bill McCardell
SHERRY GARISH: A MONSTER PLAY
by Bill McCardell
A Play in Two Acts
Copyright 2001 Bill McCardell
SHERRY GARISH, drama teacher at The Friendsı Center
MARYJANE SCHWARZKOPF, Dean of Students
JOHN DEERE, Math teacher and student advisor
DICKINSON FENSTER, Headmaster
YO KOYONO, faculty member
SASSIE K. FUROR, Civics teacher
TIMMY MCCORD
SUZANNE ADREAM, Timmyıs girlfriend and classmate
BUSTER GREYFRIAR, Timmyıs oldest friend
BUSTA DU BOIS, Timmyıs friend and classmate
VIOLET CHOMP, Timmyıs classmate
TALISE NOUVEAU, Timmyıs classmate
MOLLY NOUVEAU, Taliseıs mother
HERB NOUVEAU, Taliseıs father
WILLARD MCCORD, Timmyıs father
LIZARD R. MCCORD, Taliseıs mother
TAMMY GREYFRIAR, Busterıs mother
LOVITZ GREYFRIAR, Busterıs father
DR. JAY CUZE, Timmyıs psychiatrist
BETTY ADREAM, Suzanneıs mother
BUCKLEY ADREAM, Suzanneıs father
SETTINGS
The play is envisioned on a large stage with several playing areas; each should be
furnished sparsely with a few ornamental details or small furnishings that represent
the setting of the scene, whether it is a classroom at the school or the living room
of Timmy's parents. Each playing areas can be lit so that only that smaller area
can been seen, but also in combination with other areas. Each playing area may be
on a different level within a superstructure that with minimal backlighting provides
the outline form of a Turn-of-the-Century mansion house in the wealthy suburbs of
a large city.
Act One, scene one................The Meeting Hall at The Friends' Center
Act One, scene two............... A Classroom at The Friends' Center
Act One, scene three.............The Den of Mrs. Sherry Garish
Act One, scene four...............The Cafeteria at The Friends' Center
Act One, scene five................A Leafy Bower at The Friends' Center
Act One, scene six..................The Cafeteria at The Friends' Center
Act One, scene seven............The Meeting Hall at The Friends' Center
Act One, scene eight.............The Inner Sanctum of Mrs. Maryjane Schwartzkoff
Act One, scene nine..............A Hallway at The Friends' Center
Act One, scene ten.................The Inner Sanctum of Mrs. Maryjane Schwartzkoff
Act One, scene eleven...........The Den of Mrs. Sherry Garish/The McCord Home
Act One, scene twelve...........The Drama Room at The Friends' Center
Act One, scene thirteen........The McCord Home
Act One, scene fourteen.......The Drama Room at The Friends' Center
Act One, scene fifteen..........The Board Room at The Friends' Center
Act One, scene sixteen..........The Den of Mrs. Sherry Garish
Act One, scene seventeen.....An Empty Classroom at The Friends' Center
Act One, scene eighteen.......A Hallway at The Friends' Center
Act One, scene nineteen...... The Meeting Hall at The Freinds' Center
Act One, scene twenty.......... The Drama Room at The Friends' Center
Act One, scene twenty-on.....The McCord Home
Act One, scene twenty-two....The Drama Room at The Friends' Center
Act One, scene twenty-three.A Leafy Bower at The Friends' Center
Act One, scene twenty-four...The Drama Room at The Friend's Center
Act One, scene twenty-five....The Headmaster's Office at The Friends' Center
Act One, scene twenty-six......A Classroom at The Friends' Center
Act One, scene twenty-seve...The Headmaster's Office at The Friends' Center
Act One, scene twenty-eight.A Leafy Bower at The Friends' Center
Act One, scene twenty-nine..The Boudoir of Mrs. Sherry Garish
Act One, scene thirty..............The McCord Home
Act Two, scene one.................Walking on South Street
Act Two, scene two.................The Inner Sanctum of Mrs. Maryjane Schwartzkoff
Act Two, scene three..............The Same, one year and a half earlier
Act Two, scene four................The Same, the present
Act Two, scene five.................A Leafy Bower at The Friends' Center
Act Two, scene six....................The Drama Room at The Friends' Center
Act Two, scene seven..............The Cafeteria at The Friends' Center
Act Two, scene eight...............A Leafy Bower at The Friends' Center
Act Two, scene nine...............The Inner Sanctum of Mrs. Maryjane Schwartzkoff
Act Two, scene ten..................The Same/A Phone Spot
Act Two, scene eleven............A Hallway at The Friends' Center
Act Two, scene twelve............The Bedroom of Mr. and Mrs. McCord
Act Two, scene thirteen.........The Drama Room at The Friends' Center
Act Two, scene fourteen........The Bedroom of Timmy McCord
Act Two, scene fifteen...........The Boudoir of Mrs. Sherry Garish
Act Two, scene sixteen...........Outside the Auditorium at The Friends' Center
Act Two, scene seventeen.....Two Phone Spots
Act Two, scene eighteen.......The Inner Sanctum of Mrs. Maryjane Schwartzkoff
Act Two, scene nineteen........The Boudoir of Mrs. Sherry Garish
Act Two, scene twenty............Buster's Bedroom
Act Two, scene twenty-one...The Greyfriar's Living Room
Act Two, scene twenty-two...The Boudoir of Mrs. Sherry Garish
Act Two, scene twenty-three..The Parking Lot at The Friends' Center
Act Two, scene twenty-four.The Inner Sanctum of Mrs. Maryjane Schwartzkoff
Act Two, scene twenty-nine...The Living Room of The McCord Home
Act Two, scene thirty..............The Boudoir of Mrs. Sherry Garish
Act Two, scene thirty-one......The McCord Home
Act Two, scene thirty-two.......The Bedroom of Suzanne Adream
Act Two, scene thirty-three...The Bedroom of Lizard and Willard McCord
Act Two, scene thirty-four.....Philadelphia International Airport
SHERRY GARISH
ACT ONE
(The play starts in darkness.)
SHERRY:
Yeah . . uh, yeah. . . well. . . . how would you feel . . . uh . . . about getting
a D?
scene one
The Meeting Hall at The Friends' Center
(YO, DICKINSON, SHERRY, TIMMY, TALISE, BUSTER, BUSTA, JOHN and SUZANNE)
(Lights up. The school is gathered. A large banner across the back reads "The
Friends' Center. UNITY DAY." YO KOYONO is at the microphone on the dais.)
YO:
Welcome to all of you, both parent . . . oh what I saying . . . teacher, I meant
to say of course, welcome back to teacher. Oh, they so much fun in faculty room!
Ha! Oh and the student too of course, Today is Unity Day, everybody. Yes. In a fact,
this a week Diversity Day Week, I don't know why they call it that but apparen-tally
this a diversity day thing was a big enough to get they own week but they not a get
a long ah with the state commisshiun who name the days, anyway this is Diversity
Day Week, yes it is, and it is all part of Parent with Children of Color--PCC, that's
a right, ha ha!--Parent with Children of Color Co-Mingling Month.
(The students are starting to get restless.)
That a what we all do if you think about it, ah yes, we co-mingle, we do, and it
a small world after all like that a cute a little song. Oh, I could go through that
ride forever, but uh now I must--not that I forced to a or uh just gently given nudge
really--but a I would like to give him to you and here he is our illustrious and
oh so uh
illuminating headmaster--Dickinson Fenster!
(YO stand aside and DICKINSON takes the mike.)
DICKINSON: (Shhhhhhhhs are heard)
I am enormously proud to welcome you back from all your summer abroad. Hopefully
you were able to enjoy some time abroad. I know I did. You know I stay in
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a picturesque little fishing village in Scotland that is pure magic. It's magical!
It is just pure magic, boys and girls, and in relation to that I will have some exciting
news for the whole school community in relation to Scotland that will be a revered
part of our hallowed school history until the end of time. And to say a few words
about it is our very own . . . The Friends' Center's answer to Elenora Duse. Did
Elenora Duse teach? Can anyone tell me? Anybody? Nobody knows who Elenora Duse is!
Well, Sherry, we have our work cut out for us this year. I give you the wonderful
creative magician, Mrs. Sherry Garish!
(Applause and hoopla. SHERRY GARISH goes to the podium.)
SHERRY:
Thank you. You're all to sweet. Uh . . . thank you, I . . . well uh . . . I'm sure
I don't need to . . . uh . . . really tell anyone about this because the senior class
and some of the juniors have been preparing for this for over a year now, since we
wrote the proposal, but . . . uh . . . our school, The Friends' Center, has been
chosen out of about a zillion applicants to represent our country at the internationally
. . . uh . . . renowned Edinburgh Fringe Festival in Scotland this . . . uh . . .
coming summer. This is a great, great honour, and your parents especially . . . the
parents of the drama students who are going . . . have been working so hard and have
been so supportive, they are simply . . . well, uh . . .
DICKINSON: (grabbing the mike)
I just have to tell you I met so many important people there at St. Andrews this
summer on the Old Course--St. Andrews is pure magic. It's magical--these people are
anxious to stretch out a hand to our school as part of our Distinguished Hands Campaign.
There's a lawyer and his wife from North Caroline as a matter of fact who will be
visiting our school this week, and if you see them walking about then make sure to
stretch out your hand. St. Andrew you know is where gold . . . I mean golf . . .
was created. The Old Course there is magical! Dating from the eleventh century, it's
pure magic! But more about that later. Our first task is to give you a warm handshake
or hug during this important welcoming back on Unity Day during Diversity Day Week
of Parents with Children of Color Co-Mingling Month. I wish you all a creative and
successful year. Our wrestling team under Mr. Biff Buffnell may again be in the Quaker
school finals, and we will break ground for our new Four Point Eight and A Half let's
say Five Million Dollar Gym later this fall! Unity Day!
(The students begin to talk before DICKINSON is finished.)
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TIMMY:
This really sucks.
TALISE:
Shhhhhhhhh!
TIMMY:
What kind of unity are they talking about? Are they going into the Inner City?!
BUSTA:
Gettin' down in the 'Hood!
BUSTER:
That's one place you won't be, Du Bois.
(JOHN DEERE ENTERS.)
JOHN: (good naturedly)
Timmy McCord, are you paying attention to the Headmaster?
TIMMY:
Of course, Mr. Deere. I never do anything illegal.
JOHN:
Illegal?
TIMMY;
Yeah. It's against school policy to ignore the Headmaster.
JOHN: (smiling)
I see. What did he say then?
TIMMY:
Is this a quiz?
JOHN:
Unannounced.
TIMMY:
He said Scotland was magical.
JOHN: (smiling again)
That was a safe guess. You're looking forward to it, aren't you?
TIMMY:
Really. Mrs. Garish says this could be really important on your resume, when you
get into college.
JOHN:
That's true.
TIMMY:
And it's a big thing with my family, too. My Dad got a sabbatical, and part of it
is to study in Scotland, so my Mom's goin' with him--this is the first time they've
ever
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been abroad, and they're really stoked about it. Then they'll see me perform at the
Edinburgh Fringe Festival, the original.
JOHN:
It'll be incredible for all of you.
TIMMY:
You got it.
JOHN:
See you after school.
TIMMY:
Yeah, man. Later.
(JOHN EXITS.)
SUZANNE:
Why do you always see him after school so much?
TIMMY:
Oh, nothin'. We just shoot the shit.
SUZANNE;
You couldn't need tutoring. You're so smart.
TIMMY:
Hey, buster, man, what're you doin' after school today, man.
BUSTER:
Goin' down to the Lanes, man. You wanna come?
TIMMY;
Yeah! Who's comin'?
BUSTER:
Oh, I don't know. The usual suspects.
TIMMY:
Can you believe we've been goin' to the Lanes since pre-K?
BUSTER;
Not since pre-K. We didn't skate till after kindergarten.
SUZANNE:
Wow! You guys have been friends how long?
BUSTER:
Since pre-K.
TIMMY:
Thirteen years. Buster Dude's my oldest friend.
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BUSTA:
Awwwwwwwwwwww.
BUSTER:
Suck my anus, Du Bois.
(Lights change)
scene two
A Classroom at The Friends' Center
(JESSIE, TIMMY, BUSTA, BUSTER, SUZANNE AND TALISE)
JESSIE: (Valley Girl)
Like, so much of the disrespect for women these days is because of the language we
use, I'm sure. It's so, like, disrespectful. Like I'm sure all women are bitches
and whores. Not even.
TALISE:
Miss Furor, I have a comment.
JESSIE:
And that would be like what, Talise?
TALISE:
Well, I just wanted to mention those rap artists, you know, the ones you read about.
It sounds like all they do is put down women. They think they're so superior.
JESSIE:
As if.
BUSTA:
Uh, Miss Furor?
JESSIE:
Busta?
BUSTA:
That's not really true.
SUZANNE:
No, it's not.
TALISE:
What's not true, I'd like to know. You can't stand up for those . . . people. They
call themselves "thugsters" or something.
BUSTA:
That's "gansta." "Gangsta" with an A.
TALISE:
See, they can't even spell.
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BUSTA:
Not all rap artists call women "bitches." There's lots of rappers who don't
even use many swear words. But the ones who do are reflecting the repressive society
they grew up in. They aren't creating that society.
BUSTER:
Do the right thing, Du Bois.
TALISE:
Well, if all that stuff is so acceptable, then why isn't it dealt with in the arias
of Delibes, the only arias worth studying?
BUSTER:
How 'bout Duet from "Lick Me" by Delabia?
TIMMY:
Miss Furor? Miss Furor?
JESSIE:
Oh, like . . . Timmy McCord?
TIMMY:
What does all this have to do with our Civics lesson. The one we were supposed to
read for today?
JESSIE:
Well, Mr. Timmy McCord, I am so glad that you asked that, for sure. Because you just
can not have Civics without, like, Civility. Like it's all so clear what is happening
in our society to cause the, like, demoralization of the awesome soul of women.
TIMMY:
That's not what our reading was about.
JESSIE:
Well, like, tough titty. (Lights change.)
scene three
The Den of Mrs. Sherry Garish
(SHERRY)
(SHERRY is on the phone busy with other things. She is extremely mousy-looking, plump
and short. Short cropped hair and owl glasses.)
SHERRY:
Well, uh, yes, Mrs. McCord, well, all the kids know they have to have their things
in on time. Yeah, well, uh, they all know to do it. Yes, they do . . uh. . . well,
not every single time but . . . yes, well,
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uh, then either the parents bring it in or it's e-mailed. Well . . . uh . . . yeah,
well, uh, occasionally some of my better students are allowed to hand in things late,
but, I, uh, . . . I know he was sick. Aren't you concerned? If I were his parents,
I'd be concerned. I would be. . . . . . . Yeah, well uh, the e-mail is not on a handout.
I don't have handouts on things like that, why would I? They all know it. . . . they
. . . they . . . they all know it because I tell them. . . . No, I don't tell them
in class, I tell them when they come up to me after class or whenever. . . . Of course
I know Timmy has another class afterward. Yes, I'm well aware of that. Oh, uh, someone's
at my door. I . . . uh, sorry to hang up but this is important. Bye bye.
(Lights change.)
scene four
The Cafeteria at The Friend's Center
(TIMMY, BUSTA, BUSTER, SUZANNE)
BUSTER:
Who am I? Guess. (doesn't wait for response) I'm just the star of the Fall production
of Maxim Gorki's The Slumber People. Mrs. Garish said my audition was brilliant.
BUSTA:
Timmy's was better.
BUSTER:
Oh and who are you? You're just The Great Black Hope.
TIMMY:
And I'm just a dude with a big cock and a pleasant personality.
SUZANNE:
Eeuugh, Timmy!
TIMMY:
Oh, that wasn't for you all right?
BUSTA:
She doesn't care for pleasant personalities.
BUSTER:
And alotta good the other thing's doin' him when he don't get around.
TIMMY:
I'm always doin' homework. Hey, you guys done that paper for Miss Furor yet?
BUSTA:
Yeah.
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BUSTER:
Nah. Almost.
TIMMY:
Me too, but what's up with those instructions, man? She doesn't even know what she's
talkin' about.
BUSTER:
I know.
BUSTA:
You said it.
TIMMY:
I wanted to do a comparison, you know, between the cultures, what would 've
been a hell of a lot more interesting than that scrap of ideas she gave us.
BUSTER:
Crap of ideas.
TIMMY:
But she wouldn't let me do it. And she's so fucking boring, man, with all those little-
print bad zerox shit she gives us. You can't even read it.
SUZANNE:
You have to be nice to Miss Furor. It's her first year.
TIMMY:
Yeah, have you noticed that? Practically all the teachers we have are first year.
They never keep teachers here. There's gotta be a reason for that.
BUSTA:
Yeah. The place if for shit.
TIMMY:
And look at what our parents are spendin' to send us here.
BUSTER:
Don't even mention it to them.
TIMMY:
You! You don't even have to worry. You're the Big Deal. You're the big star, according
to Mrs. Garish.
BUSTER:
You have to kiss her ass, man. But I'd rather kiss your lips, dude--come over here.
(A playful skirmish ensues. SUZANNE gets out of the way.)
I-9
SUZANNE:
Hey there, you guys. There's women present!
BUSTA:
That's just what they're tryin' to avoid! Hey you guys, get a room!
(SUZANNE and BUSTER laugh.)
TIMMY:
Don't touch me unless you love me, man.
SUZANNE:
Hey you guys.
TIMMY:
Don't you have enough women, dude? How many is it now, Buster, huh? Six?
BUSTER:
Six, shit. That was just last night!
TIMMY:
Yeah, right.
SUZANNE:
Stop.
TIMMY:
You know, man, you were never like that back in kindergarten.
(Everybody laughs uproariously.)
SUZANNE:
Well I sure hope not!
BUSTA:
He was takin' Viagra even back then?
TIMMY:
Seriously. What's wrong with being a one-woman man?
BUSTER:
I'm not hurtin' anybody. Well, unless they ask me.
(The boys laugh.)
SUZANNE: (tsk tsk)
Boys.
TIMMY: (pseudo-intellectual)
Suzanne, my dear, you mustn't misjudge us as male chauvinist pigs with no concept
of any human-like qualities in the female of the species.
BUSTA:
That's no misjudgment.
I-10
BUSTER:
That's us!
SUZANNE;
Guys, you're not foolin' me for a minute. You think I want to believe that crap,
you go right ahead. But I see how smart you guys are in class. Why you put on all
this Neanderthal shit on is beyond me.
TIMMY:
You think we're smart.
SUZANNE:
Yeah, there's some stuff you get into in class that's like way above Miss Furor's
head.
BUSTER:
Oh well, that's not saying much!'
SUZANNE:
Especially you, Timmy. You see things in whole different ways than they ever tell
us about.
TIMMY:
Thanks.
BUSTA:
Waddaya mean, "thanks"? That just means all the teachers think you're nuts.
BUSTER:
He's our man.
BUSTA: (making motions like a vampire)
Haven't you noticed how all the teachers sort of look alike and they all kind of
look at you funny?
(JOHN ENTERS.)
JOHN:
Hey, Timmy! Just the man I wanted to see! Are we on for today after school?
TIMMY:
Oh, it was today, not tomorrow?
JOHN:
Remember I had to change it because of my wedding rehearsal? Can you believe I'm
getting married finally after being a bachelor for , , , longer than you want to
know.
TIMMY:
You said it, man. They've been used to writing about you on the men's room stalls.
(JOHN laughs.) Oh, and thanks for sendin' me an invite.
JOHN:
I didn't invite any of you kids.
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TIMMY:
Looks like we'll have to picket the reception, dude.
(TIMMY and JOHN playfully tussle.)
JOHN:
Oh yeah? You do that and see if I help you pass Math, Timmy McCord. I'll see you
after school.
(JOHN EXITS.)
TIMMY:
Sixty-five percent.
SUZANNE:
What's he see you after school for?
TIMMY:
Oh, tutoring. O.K.? He's really good, too. I like Mr. Deere.
SUZANNE:
He's aptly named: he's a dear.
BUSTA:
Uh oh. Now Suzanne and Mr. Deere'll have to get a room.
BUSTER:
Didn't your family all used to live in a room, Du Bois?
scene five
A Leafy Bower at The Friends' Center
(TIMMY and SUZANNE)
(TIMMY ENTERS and sits for a moment, looking around and taking deep breaths. SUZANNE
ENTERS shortly after.)
SUZANNE;
Hey Timmy?
TIMMY:
Yeah?
SUZANNE:
What ya doin'?
TIMMY:
Oh hi, Suzanne. Come have a seat. What ya doin'?
SUZANNE; (sits)
You mean other than asking each other how we're doin'?
(They both smile.)
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TIMMY:
So what are you doing?
SUZANNE:
I was following you.
TIMMY:
You were?
(They both look at each other for a long moment and then SUZANNE leans forward and
kisses TIMMY tenderly on the lips.)
You . . . uh . . . wanna go out this weekend?
SUZANNE:
Timmy?
TIMMY:
Yeah?
SUZANNE:
What's ADD?
TIMMY:
What? Why ask me?
SUZANNE:
The kids are sayin' you have ADD? What's that?
TIMMY:
What kids?
SUZANNE:
Talise for one. What is it?
TIMMY:
Well, it's nothin' you'll catch if you go out with me this weekend.
SUZANNE:
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked.
TIMMY:
That's cool. There's no reason why you shouldn't ask me. It just means, well, that
I'm really smart in one way--I've got a verbal I.Q. in the ninety-ninth percentile,
which means I'm better verbally than ninety-nine percent of the people who take the
test, I guess, but I can't take tests well myself and it takes me forever to write
stuff. Stuff like that.
SUZANNE:
Your grades are OK, and all that, though, aren't they?
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TIMMY:
Yeah, they're OK. They should be better, but I've been doin' fine.
SUZANNE:
But if you can't take tests, then how do the teachers know if you know it or not?
TIMMY:
All they have to do is ask me.
(Lights change.)
scene six
The Cafeteria at The Friends' Center
(BUSTA, BUSTER, TIMMY and SUZANNE continue.)
BUSTA:
Why you always sayin' my name like that, white boy? Du Bois.
BUSTER:
Mighty highfalutin' name for some kid from the ghetto, isn't it?
BUSTA:
I never lived in the ghetto, white trash. Even before my father got his vice-presendency.
TIMMY: (to SUZANNE)
I saw you looking at me yesterday in Miss Furor's class when we were going on about
the Bill of Rights. It looked like you wanted to jump in.
SUZANNE:
Oh, you mean say something? No, I don't talk in class a lot, you know that. All that
stuff is way over my head. But it seems to me it doesn't matter if the founding fathers
intended the right of arms to the militia only and not the citizens. Built into the
document, and the most important part of it, is their expectation that it would change
and grow and always be pertinent to current life, so that our country would always
remain strong.
(The boys stare at her.)
BUSTA:
How was it "built in"?
BUSTER:
Oh, don't start on your great grandfathers' shit.
BUSTA:
What you talkin' about, white boy. You think just because I'm black I'm always thinking
about how your great grandfather lynched my great grandfather, and the last breath
on their lips to their children's children's children: "Revenge!"
BUSTER: I-14
"Revenge is always the delight of a mean spirit, of a weak and petty mind! The
proof is that no one rejoices more in revenge than a woman."
(BUSTER and BUSTA bust up.)
TIMMY: (to SUZANNE)
So you did have something to say.
SUZANNE:
I guess I did.
TIMMY:
How come you girls are like that?
SUZANNE:
Like what?
TIMMY: (smiling)
Like that. You know you knew what I meant.
SUZANNE:
I guess we all want to act all helpless and soft and squishy so some guy'll wanna
stick his big thing in us.
TIMMY:
Really?
SUZANNE:
No.
TIMMY:
You hear about me or something?
SUZANNE: (smiling)
What are you talking about?
TIMMY:
All the girls seem to know about me.
SUZANNE:
What about you?
BUSTER:
Well it looks like we're not wanted.
BUSTA:
It's about time the famous Willie sees some action. You need to get some phone numbers,
my brother.
BUSTER:
He already has those numbers, the 800 numbers, the ones you use.
BUSTA:
You think just 'cause I'm black I have phone sex.
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BUSTER:
Yeah, well we know, don't we, Timmy?
TIMMY:
What's that?
BUSTER:
We know that's not his name: Du Bois. They changed their name because of W.E.B. Du
Bois. W. E. B., he started the Internet.
BUSTA:
He was an educator and sociologist. And that's our name: Du Bois!
TIMMY:
It means "Of Wood." Hence the phone sex.
(Lights change.)
scene seven
The Meeting Hall at The Friend's Center
(YO)
(YO is at a decorated podium. A big banner says "Diversity Day.")
YO: (being painfully careful)
We welcome you all, teachers and students alike.
We welcome you all, dark and light.
We welcome you all for the joys we share.
And we welcome each other by sight.
It so wonderful reading the a word of this anony-mo-ous poet from Hallmark Signature
Series, because they speak to us a today and are as pertin-tent now as in 1984 when
he or she write them. Because welcoming mean open arm, it mean a soft cheek offer
in a warm and open friend-a-ship. Platonic, of core. What you think? And all type,
notice, all type. And we so lucky to have a exchange student with us again this year
like a we do every year because we all think it so important. And this year a girl!
And she from . . . I have it here. It's Rozdavethctik Brodauveroxka (completely can't
pronounce it but tries gamely) from. . .(she searches the card and finally gives
up) from somewhere! Welcome! And welcome to Mrs. Nouveau, I see you out there. You
look breath taking! As Usual. And to all the parent too and that is a different because
that is just what a we are offer up to the God here today: DIVERSITY!!!!!
(Lights change.)
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scene eight
The Inner Office of Mrs. Maryjane Schwarzkopf
(MARYJANE and JOHN.)
MARYJANE:
Timmy simply doesn't fit our mold.
JOHN:
We have to be careful how we treat Timmy. He doesn't seem it, but he's a very sensitive
kid.
MARYJANE:
Not quite sensitive enough to the fact he doesn't belong here.
JOHN:
He's been here for thirteen years. He's a "lifer."
MARYJANE:
That's doesn't mean we have to put up with his actions.
JOHN:
What actions?
MARYJANE:
We had to have the entire stage drapery, the new stage drapery, I might add, thoroughly
dry cleaned because of the pie-tossing incident at Assembly.
JOHN:
There were four students involved in that.
MARYJANE:
The parents of two of the other students bought the curtain to begin with.
JOHN:
Does that exclude them from responsibility?
MARYJANE:
Why are you taking that tone with me, John Deere.
JOHN:
We have to make sure that we're fair to Timmy.
MARYJANE:
Are you suggesting I wouldn't be fair?
JOHN:
I'm suggesting that we weigh our marketing techniques so that they're leavened with
the responsibilities we have to those children already in our charge.
MARYJANE:
You know, John Deere, when I take my little Sabbatical next trimester, you're the
prime candidate for my position.
I-17
JOHN:
I had thought perhaps . . .
MARYJANE:
I'm the one who makes the final decision.
(Lights change.)
scene nine
A Hallway at The Friends' Center
(SHERRY and TIMMY)
SHERRY:
Timmy . . .
TIMMY:
Yes, Mrs. Garish?
SHERRY:
Yeah . . . well . . . I thought . . . uh . . . I thought we had talked about your
. . . well . . . behavior at rehearsals.
TIMMY: (sighs)
Yes, Mrs. Garish.
SHERRY:
We can't have you coming in and out of rehearsals like that.
TIMMY:
But everybody else does it.
SHERRY:
A rehearsal is a . . . learning process. Which . . .
TIMMY:
Buster and Shoe-Pac do it, and they have major roles. I have two walk-ons with no
lines. I need the time to do my homework in the lunchroom. You give everyone else
permission. I don't have anything to do in the play!
SHERRY:
And that is exactly it . . . uh . . . Timmy. When you're in the . . . uh . . . position
you're in . . .
TIMMY:
What position is that?
SHERRY:
Well . . . uh . . . when you're competing against Markie and Sherwood . . .
TIMMY:
Markie and Sherwood?! But they're in ninth and tenth grade!
I-18
SHERRY:
And . . . uh . . . very talented.
TIMMY:
I'm in eleventh grade, Mrs. Garish.
SHERRY:
Exactly.
TIMMY:
Please explain that to me.
SHERRY:
Markie and Sherwood have . . . uh . . . worked with me.
TIMMY:
I was the big thing in the eighth grade play. All the kids told me they loved me
in it. My summer drama coaches have always liked my work a lot. One of 'em wanted
me to act with him downtown. All Markie and Sherwood ever do is follow around behind
you.
SHERRY:
They . . . uh, yeah . . . they have been most helpful after school.
TIMMY:
Well, some of us need all night to do all the homework you give.
SHERRY:
Yes. Some of you.
TIMMY:
So just because I don't stay after school . . .
SHERRY:
Sherwood was . . . uh . . . wonderful in our Shakespeare piece.
TIMMY:
He was terrible.
SHERRY:
Now you see . . uh . . . that's just what I mean. Look, Timmy. You may think they're
just sucking up, but I'll take it any way I can get it!
(Lights change.)
scene ten
The Inner Office of Mrs. Maryjane Schwarzkopf
(MARYJANE and SHERRY)
MARYJANE:
Sherry, we need to come to an understanding of sorts.
I-19
SHERRY:
You know we always work well together. Especially because the . . . uh . . . drama
department is always in need of extra funds.
MARYJANE: (as if she's expected to ask this)
And how are all the fund raisers going?
SHERRY:
Very very well as a matter of . . . uh . . . fact.
MARYJANE:
Really?
SHERRY:
Yes. Thank God we have parents who can't afford to . . . uh . . . give lots of money
who . . . uh . . . head up these things. Like Timmy's parents, even though . . .
uh . . . I can't stand him. I can't stand it when they come to me with the . . .
uh . . . earnings. Maryjane, with all the resources our school has, wouldn't it .
. .
MARYJANE:
It's all earmarked. You know that.
SHERRY:
But . . . uh . . . yeah, well . . . this Edinburgh thing is going to be really big.
I'm sure I'll get a photo and an article out of it, and . . . uh . . .
MARYJANE:
It's very nice for the school. Very nice.
SHERRY:
So that must be . . . uh . . . worth . . .
MARYJANE:
You know how important the new gym is.
SHERRY:
Ah yes well thank God for all the rich parents.
MARYJANE:
There's no place for God in all this, Sherry. You mentioned Timmy's parents. We have
to talk. Timmy is a problem.
SHERRY:
You're . . uh . . . telling me.
MARYJANE:
What kind of a college is he going to get into? He's pulling the class average way
down 'cause none of his teachers can stand him. They don't need this aggravation
of answering all his questions in class. They haven't even taught the course before,
most of them. Why should they put up with that? Listen, Sherry, this is our last
I-20
chance. We have to get rid of him this year before he does this to the senior class.
It's an embarrassment. And you might thank God for the poorer folk, but a number
of our better parents have commented about why we always have people like that at
the tables when they come to a fund-raising affair.
SHERRY:
You're right. It makes your . . . uh . . . blood boil.
MARYJANE:
Sherry, I need your help.
SHERRY:
Anything--if it . . . uh . . . gets rid of that Timmy McCord!
MARYJANE:
Well, here's what you can do. Timmy always gets a D in French, that's guaranteed.
The poor French teacher is pulling her hair out. Anyway, he always manages to do
well enough in his other courses to avoid it, but if there was a way we could put
him on Academic Probation--oh, I love just the sound of that, don't you?--if we could
do that--that is, if he was getting two Ds--
SHERRY:
Oh, Timmy is most definitely getting a D in Drama. D for . . . uh . . . despicable!
Ha!
(Lights change.)
scene eleven
The Den of Mrs. Sherry Garish and The McCord Home
(SHERRY, LIZARD and WILLARD)
(SHERRY on phone with LIZARD. WILLARD is in background.)
SHERRY:
Yeah . . . well, uh . . . Timmy just has to . . . simply get his journals in on time.
LIZARD:
He hasn't been handing them in on time?! Has he been handing them in on time?
WILLARD:
What's she saying? What hasn't he been handing in?
LIZARD:
(to WILLARD) She says he hasn't been handing his journals in on time! Shut up! (to
SHERRY) No, not you, Mrs. Garish! Have you talked to Timmy about this? Maryjane Schwarzkopf
said to make sure all the teachers talked to us so we could be sure he was doing
it.
WILLARD:
Why didn't she tell us about the journals? Why didn't she . . . ?!
I-21
LIZARD:
(to WILLARD) Shut up!
SHERRY:
I really must get off the phone, I've got . . . uh . . . a very annoying . . . uh
. . . hangnail.
WILLARD:
She's supposed to tell us about the journals!
LIZARD:
(to SHERRY) Sherry, if you had just told us about the journals . . .
SHERRY:
Timmy's doing fine, really . . . it's just the journals. Listen, I have to run get
my . . . uh . . . cuticle scissors.
LIZARD:
He's doing fine then?
WILLARD:
She says he's going fine?!
SHERRY:
Bye bye. Timmy's doing fine. (She hangs up.)
WILLARD:
Did she say he was doing fine?
LIZARD:
I don't trust that woman. I just do not trust her.
WILLARD:
I told you how she turned away from us when she saw us coming to talk to her downtown
at the Theater Festival.
LIZARD:
There's something just . . . wrong about her. She's a cistern.
WILLARD:
You mean a cipher. Haha! You!
LIZARD:
I have a bad feeling about this. He has too much work to do.
WILLARD:
He can do it. We always went out of our way to support her work. I bet we're the
only parents who went to see her in those little theatres downtown.
LIZARD:
You're right. Those rich suburbanites never come into the city. They're agoraphobic.
I-22
WILLARD:
What!! How can they be agoraphobic?
LIZARD:
They're agoraphobic. Agoraphobic.
WILLARD:
Do you even know what agoraphobic is?
LIZARD:
Why? Don't you?
WILLARD:
You don't know what it is.
LIZARD:
Neither do you.
WILLARD:
I certainly do. It means fear of open spaces. Now how can suburbanites have a fear
of open spaces? It would be just the opposite.
LIZARD:
Yeah, that's what you are. You. With your mind so impenetrable.
WILLARD:
Ha ha! Oh you. You mean impervious.
LIZARD:
Isn't that the same thing?
WILLARD:
No! It's not the same thing at all!
(TIMMY ENTERS.)
Impenetrable means you can't get through it! Impervious means you can't affect it
by anything! It's not the same thing at all! Besides, it had a totally different
sound! Impervious has the connotation that goes along with the sound, and that's
the sound you're going for! Impervious!! Impervious!!
(WILLARD and LIZARD both see TIMMY. Atmosphere instantly changes.)
WILLARD and LIZARD: (in unison)
Oh, Hi, Timmy. Welcome home. How was school?
(Lights change.)
I-23
scene twelve
The Drama Room at The Friends' Center
(TIMMY and SHERRY)
TIMMY:
Mrs. Garish?
SHERRY: (sharply)
What is it, Timmy?
TIMMY:
Can I talk to you for a minute?
SHERRY:
I have another class.
TIMMY:
Can we start again, Mrs. Garish?
SHERRY:
What?
TIMMY:
Can we start all over again? Kids have told me you don't like me. That you say things
about me outside of class.
SHERRY:
I don't like you! Do you know . . . what all the kids, uh, tell me you say about
me!
TIMMY;
Mrs. Garish, the role of the teacher and student is to be objective.
SHERRY:
Are you telling me you haven't been objective?
TIMMY:
Maybe I haven't, but you haven't either.
SHERRY: (threatening)
All right, Timmy, I'll be objective.
(SHERRY EXITS. Timmy stands for a moment. Lights change.)
scene thirteen
The McCord Home
(LIZARD and WILLARD)
LIZARD:
Timmy got his Drama exam back. She gave him a D+ and right next to the D+ she wrote
"Objective."
I-24
WILLARD:
Why did he get a D+? I thought he was ready for this.
LIZARD:
He thought he was, too. Something happened.
WILLARD:
Is there any indication why he got a D?
LIZARD:
He got some things wrong in the quiz part of it, but it was four parts--and three
parts were essays he wrote at home. It looks like she didn't even look at the essays.
There's not a mark on them.
WILLARD:
Then it's not objective! How can you grade an essay like a vocabulary quiz?! These
essays are good! She hasn't even looked at them! How can she give him a D?!
LIZARD:
I don't know . . . That woman, Willard. I get a chill when I think of her.
WILLARD:
Oh you! Ha ha!
(Lights change.)
scene fourteen
The Drama Room at The Friends' Center
(SHERRY and TIMMY)
SHERRY:
Yeah . . uh, yeah. . . well. . . . how would you feel . . . uh . . . about getting
a D?
TIMMY:
You already gave me a D, Mrs. Garish.
SHERRY:
I . . . uh . . . mean for the . . . uh . . . trimester, silly.
TIMMY:
What! This is one of my best subjects!
SHERRY:
(laughs) Oh, really, Timmy. If I . . . uh . . . wasn't in such a good mood, I'd take
you right to Mrs. Schwarzkopf.
TIMMY:
Why are you in such a good mood? Because you're giving me a D?
SHERRY:
Oh, Timmy. You . . . uh . . . are funny. I'll . . . uh . . . give you that , , ,
well , , , the reason I'm in such a good mood, if you . . . uh . . . must know, is
that I've been asked to
I-25
write three recommendations to . . . uh . . . . That's something you need . . . uh
. . . never worry about. I have such . . . uh . . . stars in my senior class this
year!
TIMMY:
I thought you said our performance would count as most of our grade. We haven't done
that yet.
SHERRY:
What! Oh, Timmy, please shut the door, would you--on your . . . uh . . . way out?
(Lights change.)
scene fifteen
The Board Room at The Friends' Center
(JOHN, TIMMY, LIZARD and WILLARD)
JOHN:
You realize this means we have to put you on academic probation.
TIMMY: (practically in tears)
Yes, Mr. Deere.
JOHN:
And now that I'm Acting Dean of Students during Mrs. Schwarzkopf's sabbatical, It's
my unfortunate task to tell you this. You have to pick yourself up and get yourself
together like you did last year. No one can do this but yourself.)
TIMMY:
Yes, Mr. Deere.
JOHN:
You can't continue to get D's.
TIMMY:
Yes, Mr. Deere.
JOHN:
That will be all, Timmy. I'll talk to you later. Mr. and Mrs. McCord, may I just
speak to you for a moment.
(TIMMY EXITS.)
LIZARD:
Timmy hasn't been feeling well. He hasn't been himself lately, Mr. Deere. It's as
if he's under some kind of spell or something!
WILLARD:
(to LIZARD) Oh you. (to JOHN) How could this happen! The D is so unfair in Drama!
JOHN:
I just want the two of you to know that we have no intention of getting rid of Timmy.
I-26
LIZARD:
Really?
WILLARD:
Well, that's good to hear!
LIZARD:
He only has one year to go. Surely you can work with him.
JOHN:
This is just to get him back on track. I'm sure he'll come through like he did before.
LIZARD:
He's been so sick.
JOHN:
He'll be fine.
(Lights change.)
scene sixteen
The Den of Mrs. Sherry Garish
(SHERRY)
SHERRY: (on phone)
Well . . . uh . . . we were looking all over for him. He was supposed to be in school.
I had to send my best seniors out to look for him, and . . . and . . . little did
anyone . . . uh . . . know if they would get back to the . . . uh . . . bus on time,
so the whole thing could have been ruined because of Timmy's . . . uh . . . irresponsibility.
He doesn't care about the others; that's . . . uh . . . why he could never be . .
. a . . . uh . . . "persona con grata" on the . . . uh . . . stage. Yes,
but you see whether he has talent or not is not the . . . uh . . . question. Yeah
. . . well, uh, I know we told him he wasn't allowed to perform in our Special Preview
Performance because he was on Academic Probation. That is . . . uh . . . correct,
Mrs. McCord, but . . . I had already changed my . . . um . . . mind about that and
Timmy should have known. Of course I told him. Well . . . uh . . . I may have told
him in passing. Uh . . . we really don't need to hear all this ADD stuff. We know
all about ADD we need to know.
(Lights change.)
scene seventeen
An empty classroom at The Friends' Center
(TIMMY, TALISE, SUZANNE and BUSTER)
TIMMY:
I feel sick. I really feel sick.
I-27
VIOLET:
Well, we have to do it, Timmy. You can't expect all of us to wait around until you're
well. Lord know when that'll be. You're out sick more than you're here.
TIMMY:
I can't help it. It's this medication I have to take. It makes me really sick. I
can't sleep. I can't eat right. So I can't study. It just gets worse and worse.
VIOLET:
Oh please, Timmy, spare us the violins.
TALISE:
I don't know who you think you're fooling, Timmy. Everybody knows you're on some
kind of drugs. Everybody's talking about it.
VIOLET:
So you don't have to pretend it's prescription.
TIMMY:
It is prescription. I have to take it for my ADD and I hate it.
VIOLET:
We can't help that, Timmy. Jesus, what do we look like? Health Care Professionals?
TALISE:
It is absolutely mandatory that we practice our scene. I'm not going out there looking
like a fool.
TIMMY:
Look. The doctor even told me I shouldn't come in today. I have a hundred and one
temperature.
TALISE:
Oh all right. All together now.
TALISE, VIOLET and BUSTER: (in unison)
Awwwwwwwwww . . .
TIMMY:
Why do we have to do it now?
VIOLET:
Because this is the only time we have!
TIMMY:
But this is the only time I can eat my lunch, and I have to eat my lunch or else
my medicine makes me sick in the stomach.
TALISE:
I hear that's what it's like when you have a monkey on your back.
I-28
TIMMY:
Why couldn't we do it first thing in the morning when everybody's fresh?
VIOLET:
I can't do it that early. I get a headache.
TALISE:
She's not a morning person.
BUSTER:
Look! Why don't we just do it? We're here now.
TALISE:
Let's go.
VIOLET:
Let's do it. Please!
(They take their positions, including TIMMY who continues to try to eat his lunch.
A Midsummer- Night's Dream)
BUSTER: (as Lysander)
"Stay, gentle Helena; hear my excuse, My love, my life, my soul, fair Helena!"
TALISE: (as Helena--really badly)
"O excellent!
VIOLET: (as Hermia--even worse)
"Sweet, do not scorn her so."
TIMMY: (as Demetrius, with lots of food in his mouth)
"Ib see kinoud, akun kumbowl."
BUSTER: (going on)
"Thou canst compel no more than . . . "
VIOLET:
Stop!!
TIMMY: (swallowing)
"If she cannot entreat, I can compel."
VIOLET: (screaming and covering her ears)
Aaaaaaaaeeeeee!!
TALISE: (to BUSTER)
How can you answer him when he talks like that. You're giving him Abercrombie and
Fitch, and he's giving you Sears!
I-29
TIMMY:
I'm sorry! I really am! I told you I have to eat now or I'll get sick!
VIOLET: (glumly, glaring at TIMMY)
Let's start again.
BUSTER:
Can't we start from . . . ?
TIMMY:
"If she cannot entreat, I can compel."
BUSTER:
"Thou canst compel no more than she . . . is sweet."
VIOLET:
Stop!!
BUSTER:
" . . . than she . . ."
VIOLET:
"ENTREAT"!! How could you miss that? He says, "If she cannot entreat,
I can compel," and then you say, "Thou canst compel no more . . ."!!!!
BUSTER:
I got it, I got it!
(Meanwhile, TIMMY has taken another bite of food.)
Thou canst compel no more than she entreat.
Thy threats have no more strength than her weak prayers. Helen, I love thee; by my
life, I do!
I swear by that which I will lose for thee,
To prove him false that says I love thee not.
TIMMY:
"Ah daye ah uvee urewan ee kadou."
(VIOLET bursts into tears and EXITS screaming, covering her ears.)
VIOLET: (screaming)
AAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Lights change.)
scene eighteen
A Hallway at The Friends' Center
(SHERRY and TIMMY)
SHERRY:
Ah, yeah . . . uh . . . well I just wanted you to know you are out of the scene.
I-30
TIMMY:
What! But . . . I . . .
SHERRY:
They all . . . uh . . . came to me. They all were . . . uh . . . upset.
TIMMY:
Even Buster?
SHERRY:
Even . . . uh . . . Buster. (pause) Especially Buster. You . . . uh . . . really
let him down.
TIMMY:
But I was sick! I had the flu! I have a doctor's note! I had a temperature of a hundred
and two!
SHERRY:
You're . . . uh . . . going to be competing against people who don't get the flu.
TIMMY:
But . . . what . . .
SHERRY:
Are you . . . uh, yeah . . . well, are you sure you're doing the . . . uh . . . course
next year? I don't think you want to be here. If you . . . uh . . . can't work in
a group, then you . . . uh . . . shouldn't be here. I . . . uh . . . don't think
you should do this.
TIMMY:
Aren't you supposed to . . . ?
SHERRY:
You can't diss your partners. All the . . . uh . . . kids tell me what you say about
Talise. Small . . . uh . . . people are always so jealous of great talent. She's
going to . Now how do you . . . eh . . . feel about getting a D for the trimester
again? It's just what you deserve. You won't . . . uh . . . even take rehearsals
seriously.
TIMMY:
If you're talking about the scene, they had to have it the only time I could eat
lunch.
SHERRY:
You're all in the same class.
TIMMY:
But Violet and Talise could have lunch the period before. They had free period!
SHERRY:
You're always missing lines.
TIMMY;
No I'm not. Why . . . how . . . how can you say that. Talise is always missing lines!
I-31
SHERRY:
You . . . uh . . . see what I mean about dissing your partners.
TIMMY:
This isn't fair! You have to allow me to make it up somehow. You can't give me a
D again. It'll mess up my whole year!
SHERRY:
Uh . . . yeah well . . . you'll do a monologue in the showcase for the parents then
. . . uh . . . since you can't work with people. So pick a monologue at this late
date that you . . . can . . . try to memorize. I . . . uh . . . think it's a hopeless
cause though, don't you?
(Lights change.)
scene nineteen
The Meeting Hall at The Friends' Center
(TIMMY, SHERRY and TALISE)
(Spot on TIMMY. He takes his time and slowly transforms himself into the physical
form of Richard III.)
TIMMY:
"Now is the winter of our discontent
Made glorious summer by this son of York;
And all the clouds that lour'd upon our house
In the deep bosom of the ocean buried.
Now are our brows bound with victorious wreaths,
Our bruised arms hung up for monuments;
Our stern alarums chang'd to merry meetings,
Our dreadful marches to delightful measures.
Grim-visag'd War hath smooth'd his wrinkled front;
And now, instead of mounting barbed steeds
To fright the souls of fearful adversaries,
He capers nimbly in a lady's chamber
To the lascivious pleasing of a lute.
But I, that am not shap'd for sportive tricks,
Nor made to court an amorous lloking-glass;
I, that am rudely stamp'd, and want love's majesty
To strut before a wanton ambling nymph;
I, that am curtail'd of this fair proportion,
Cheated of feature by dissembling nature,
I-32
Defprm'd, unfinish'd, went before my time
Into this breathing world, scarce half made up,
And that so lamely and unfashionable
That dogs bark at me as I halt by them;
Why, I, in this weak piping time of peace,
Have no delight to pass away the time,
Unless to see my shadow in the sun
And descant on mine own deformity."
(TIMMY is brilliant. There is a thunderous ovation. SHERRY ENTERS, and pushes TIMMY
aside toward the wings.)
SHERRY:
Very nice. And NOW we are in for a real treat. Our . . . uh . . . brilliant and beautiful
young drama star, Talise Nouveau!!
(TALISE ENTERS in a totally ridiculous costume with long flowing hair. She completely
murders her soliloquy.)
TALISE:
Yet here's a spot. Out, damned spot! out, I say!--One: two: why, then 'tis time
to do't.--Hell is murky!--Fie, my lord, fie! a soldier, and afeared? What need we
fear who knows it, when none can call our pow'r to account?--Yet who would have thought
the old man to have so much blood in him? The thane of Fife had a wife; where is
she now?--What, will these hands ne'er be clean? Come,come, come, come, give me your
hand. What's done cannot be undone.--To bed, to bed, to bed!
(Lights change.)
scene twenty
The Drama Room at The Friends' Center
(SHERRY and TIMMY)
TIMMY:
Mrs. Garish? Could you explain to me why you gave me a D for my monologue?
SHERRY:
Timmy! How did you get in here?
TIMMY:
In where? This is the Drama Room.
I-33
SHERRY:
Yeah, well . . . uh . . . after a certain . . . uh . . . time . . . are you . . .
uh . . . supposed to be in late study or . . . detention or something?
TIMMY:
No, Mrs. Garish.
SHERRY:
Well . . . uh . . . I can't talk to you now.
TIMMY:
You can't tell me why you gave me a D for my monologue? Everyone loved it.
SHERRY:
Did they?
TIMMY:
Yes.
SHERRY:
Well . . . uh . . . Timmy, do I really have to tell you?
TIMMY:
If you can.
SHERRY:
Don't you take that tone with me, Timmy McCord. You know very well you did it all
at the last minute.
TIMMY:
You told me I had to do a monologue to make up for you throwing me out of my scene.
SHERRY:
I . . . uh . . . didn't throw you out as you know. Your classmates requested your
. . . removal. You can't . . . uh . . . work with people.
TIMMY:
I've talked with them. They understand.
SHERRY:
That's nice.
TIMMY:
They wanted to work with me.
SHERRY:
Did they? They aren't . . . uh . . . giving you the grade, though, are they?
TIMMY:
You can't give me a D for my monologue. If I get a D for the trimester, I won't be
able to get off academic probation. I put everything I had into that piece! I didn't
I-34
write my English paper or take my Civics exam so I could do it in the time you gave
me.
SHERRY;
You should have . . . uh . . . showed it to me.
TIMMY;
I didn't have time! I made an appointment to show it to you, but you weren't there!
SHERRY:
You're not . . . uh . . . my only student, you know.
TIMMY;
I tried to show it to you. You weren't there.
SHERRY;
You should have come back.
TIMMY:
I was sick! I had the flu! I did the whole monologue with a hundred and one temperature.
SHERRY:
I . . . uh . . . think I told you before, Tiimmy: you're going to be competing against
people who never get the flu.
TIMMY:
What about the scene I did with Busta? I did that with the flu, too. Busta said he
was really happy with what I did.
SHERRY:
The only reason that scene worked was because Busta is such a strong actor. You should
aspire to . . . uh . . . be more like Busta. But what's the . . . uh . . . point?
Huh? You could never be the actor Busta is.
(Lights change.)
scene twenty-one
The McCord Home
(LIZARD and WILLARD)
LIZARD: (holding report)
How could she do this? How could she give him another D for the semester?
WILLARD:
What!! And it's trimester.
LIZARD:
And you can never tell how she comes up with her grades . . .
WILLARD:
She gave him a D, you say?!
I-35
LIZARD:
. . . but it seems like this one is mainly based on the monologue.
WILLARD:
You mean the Richard the Third? But it was top drawer!
LIZARD:
Did you hear how everyone applauded him? It almost seems like . . . well, like she's
deliberately planning to ruin him!
WILLARD:
What? Oh, you. Ha ha! What about the scene he did with the other student? That was
top drawer too.
LIZARD:
But I was watching her. I was watching her through the whole thing. That's why I
wanted to sit on the side like we did. I watched her during the whole scene, and
she didn't look at Timmy once. She only looked at the other student, the one that
Timmy says is on her list of "favorites," you know. How can she evaluate
the acting when she doesn't even look at Timmy?
WILLARD:
You watched her the whole time?
LIZARD:
I watched her the whole time. The whole time I watched her.
WILLARD:
You didn't look at Timmy once? Timmy always does such wonderful things when he's
on stage. I couldn't take my eyes off him. How could you not watch him?
LIZARD:
Well, of course there were moments . . .
WILLARD:
There. You see? When you were looking at Timmy, she must have been as well. She'd
have to at least pretend she was watching him if she had to grade him.
LIZARD:
I think she may have finally stopped pretending.
WILLARD:
Oh you. Haha!
(Lights change.)
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scene twenty-two
The Drama Room at The Friends' Center
(SHERRY and TIMMY)
TIMMY:
Mrs. Garish?
SHERRY:
Yes?
TIMMY:
Mrs. Garish, could I talk to you for a minute.
SHERRY:
I'm busy, Timmy, what do you want?
TIMMY:
I was thinking, well, I was hoping you could . . .
SHERRY: (sharply)
Yes?
TIMMY:
Could give me a few pointers.
SHERRY:
Pointers?
TIMMY:
Yeah, I want to learn how to be more . . . focused . . . as an actor.
SHERRY:
Timmy, do you really think this is the time to be asking me this?
TIMMY:
Oh, I'm sorry if . . .
SHERRY:
You are sorry, Timmy. One . . uh . . . sorry sort. You can't even work in a group.
Have you seriously considered whether you should continue . . .uh . . . well . .
. continue as a drama major?
TIMMY:
Why do you say I don't work well in a group?
SHERRY:
Look what happened . . . uh . . . with your scene? Every single kid came to me and
wanted you out.
(Lights change.)
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scene twenty-three
A Leafy Bower on the Grounds of The Friends' Center
(SHERRY and VIOLET)
VIOLET: (crying)
Oh, Mrs. Garish, it's all so impossible and I don't know what to do. I have to practice
my scene and everyone can do it by Timmy. It's not fair. I don't want to do it first
thing in the morning and that's when he insists on it. He's so unfair. The best time
for all of us is at lunch time, so who cares if he doesn't have lunch. He says the
most awful things about you, Mrs. Garish.
SHERRY:
Anything new or just what you . . . uh . . . told me before? But, um, tell me later.
Well
. . . yeah . . . uh, well. Violet dear you know if all three of you complained to
me I could do something, but . . . uh, yeah, without the three of you, I can't help
you out. But, uh, if you got the three of you . . .
VIOLET: (suddenly brightening)
Oh, Mrs. Garish. Do you mean, wait, let me think . . . if I can . . . get . . . the
. . . other two . . .
SHERRY:
That cocktail party that . . . uh, yeah . . .your parents gave last weekend was um
divine. Did they get my flowers?
VIOLET:
Oh, yes. They were beautiful.
SHERRY:
Well . . yeah, they were the best I could do on . . . uh . . . a teacher's . . .
uh . . .
VIOLET: (throwing her arms around her)
Oh, Mrs. Garish, I love you. You make me feel so good.
SHERRY: (rolling her eyes when VIOLET can't see her)
You're really talented, dear.
(Lights change.)
scene twenty-four
The Drama Room at The Friends' Center
(TIMMY, SHERRY, MOLLY and HERB)
(TIMMY and SHERRY continue.)
TIMMY:
That's not true. You got them to say that.
SHERRY:
Timmy, I would be careful if I were you. You know there's lots of pretty kids with
I-38
rich parents who love to kiss up to me. Can you . . . uh . . . can you really blame
me, Timmy? The truth is you can't work in a group, a . . . yeah. well. uh, in a group
where anyone is, um, anyone.
(MOLLY and HERB NOUVEAU ENTER.)
MOLLY:
Sherry Darling!! Kiss kiss.
HERB:
Hey, I'm gonna get some ideas about you two!
MOLLY:
Oh, Herb! (They all titter.) He's just a little piqued that I have my Junior League
luncheon today, so I had to bring the Beemer and he had to drive the Jag. Such a
baby. Of course we have our Hum-V but we only drive that to Temple.
HERB:
She loves to call me "baby" but a baby don't got no love handles like these,
huh, Sher? (He laughs loudly.)
MOLLY:
Oh, honestly, Herb. Nobody is interested in your love handles except me. At least
they better not be. (She wags a finger at SHERRY.)
SHERRY:
Now . . . uh . . . now, Molly. I'm only interested in . . . uh . . . what those love
handles have helped to produce. I just can't tell you enough how talented your daughter
is.
MOLLY:
Oh, do keep telling us! We can't hear it enough!
SHERRY:
And so beautiful! She's so . . . uh . . . beautiful!
MOLLY:
Yes she is. Thank God she got my looks, and not the Hunchback of Notre Dame over
here. Oh! The Hunchback of Notre Dame! (MOLLY and HERB laugh loudly.)
SHERRY:
She's going to . . . uh . . . really make a name for herself at Julliard.
HERB:
And all because of you, you foxy thing! I can just tell I'm gonna have to plop some
big wads into this drama program!
SHERRY:
Oh, Mr. Nouveau. I'm . . . uh . . . speechless.
I-39
MOLLY:
Well, we must toddle on now, Sherry Darling. We will see you for cocktails tomorrow?
Ta ta. (sharply) Come on, Herb.
HERB:
After you get a few Metropolitans in you, I'll show you my itchings! My itchings!
Get it, get it? My itchings!! (He laughs loudly.)
(MOLLY and HERB EXIT. SHERRY stares after them in ecstatic reverie.)
TIMMY:
Mrs. Garish? Mrs. Garish?
SHERRY: (coming out of her dream)
As . . . Timmy, are you still here? I thought I told you I'd talk to you later.
TIMMY:
No, I was asking . . .
SHERRY:
Well, I'll talk to you later.
TIMMY:
Mrs. Garish, I think you should know that I'm serious about my acting.
SHERRY:
Timmy . . .
TIMMY:
I want to learn the craft, I want to grow as an actor, and . . .
SHERRY:
Are you sure you're doing the course next year?
(Lights change.)
scene twenty-five
The Headmaster's Office at The Friends' Center
(SHERRY, MARYJANE and DICKINSON.)
SHERRY:
The problem with Timmy is he sees me as an adversary.
MARYJANE: (sweetly)
He's a problem, that Timmy McCord. I don't know what to do with him.
SHERRY:
I have some . . . uh . . . yeah, suggestions.
MARYJANE: (even more sweetly))
His is really a special case. He's been here for thirteen years, since Pre-K.
I-40
DICKINSON:
Well now, my dear ladies, you must remember The Friends' Center is a Quaker institution.
Simplicity, Equality, Justice and Compassion--that's the ticket! So that our dear
students return to the world nourished and prepared for a more turthful engagement
with it. Where did I read that? We must be patterns, be examples, "that our
carriage and life may preach among all sorts of people, and to them, so that students
and staff will come to walk cheerfully over the earth, answering that of God in everyone."
Oh, I couldn't have said it better myself!
SHERRY:
Uh, yeah . . . well . . . you should hear how the faculty is talking about Timmy.
Sassie K. Furor was just um telling us at lunch he's impossible. He can't learn anything.
(Lights change.)
scene twenty-six
A Classroom at The Friends' Center
(TIMMY and SASSIE)
(TIMMY is taking an exam. SASSIE walks over to him.)
SASSIE:
The test is, like, over, Timmy. Everyone else is way gone.
TIMMY:
But Maryjane Schwarzkopf said I was supposed to get extra time.
SASSIE:
Ha! As if. And what good would that do, Timmy?
TIMMY:
But I'm doing really well on this one. I'm sure I'm gonna . . .
SASSIE: (grabbling the test papers from him)
Whatever. I don't know about the extra time, O.K., so why don't you just take your
F.
(Lights change.)
scene twenty-seven
The Headmasters' Office at The Friends' Center
(SHERRY, MARYJANE and DICKINSON continue.)
SHERRY:
Jessie, Miss Furor, says she's reached the end of her rope. She's tried everything.
He just can't learn.
MARYJANE:
Can't or won't.
I-41
DICKINSON:
Ahem . . . my good ladies, I want you to remember this is a special case.
MARYJANE:
Yes, it is.
DICKINSON:
Timmy McCord has been at this school, it appears, for thirteen years.
SHERRY:
Uh, yeah . . . has it been that long?
DICKINSON:
Since Pre-K, I believe, if I would check the records.
MARYJANE:
That puts it in a new light, sir.
DICKINSON:
This young man . . . what was his name again?
MARYJANE:
Timmy McCord, sir.
DICKINSON:
Timmy McCord, exactly. He is somewhat of a problem, I believe.
MARYJANE:
I would say so.
DICKINSON:
Sees his teachers as a type of adversary, if I'm not mistaken.
MARYJANE:
Some seem to feel that. It's most unfortunate.
DICKINSON:
Most unfortunate. But we must carry on. Yes, carry on. Follow The Friends' Center
Creed, 1994. Everything is covered by the creed. Everything! Look it up.
MARYJANE:
I know the Creed, sir.
DICKINSON:
Of course you do. Now I expect you to carry on.
SHERRY:
But, sir . . .
DICKINSON:
And carry on this moment. I'm afraid you'll have to. I have an important luncheon
with a very wealthy prospective parent. He may be interested in funding our
I-42
Annual Silent Auction. It could mean great things! Carry on, carry on. And focus
on Scotland. It's magical!
(Lights change.)
scene twenty-eight
A Leafy Bower on the Grounds of The Friends' Center
(SHERRY and TIMMY)
SHERRY:
Where were you for . . . uh . . . the last week?
TIMMY:
I was here last Monday.
SHERRY;
Monday does not . . . uh . . . a week make.
TIMMY:
I was sick.
SHERRY:
You're sick an . . . uh . . . awful lot. If . . . uh . . . I were your parents, I'd
. . . uh . . . be worried about you.
TIMMY:
It's this medicine I have to take for my ADD. It makes me . . .
SHERRY:
We can discuss your condition some . . . uh . . . other time, Timmy. I . . . well,
uh . . . I came here to give you one last chance. Yes.
TIMMY: (fearful)
What do you mean, Mrs. Garish?
SHERRY:
I came out here and had to find you and . . . uh . . . I've found you, so . . . well
. . . well?
TIMMY:
Well what, Mrs. Garish? If this is about the Edinburgh trip, please . . . my parents
are so set on my going. It's the first time we've ever been abroad. It's all part
of my father's Sabbatical. He's studying an ancient cross. If it has anything to
do with your thinking I can't do it, I swear to do I can do it. You know I can do
it!
SHERRY:
Where is your . . . uh . . . work that's due today?
TIMMY:
I didn't think I had to do it.
SHERRY:
Oh . . . uh . . . really?
I-43
TIMMY:
Mrs. Schwarzkopf sent around an e-mail to all my teachers requesting extra time 'cause
I was sick.
SHERRY:
Did she?
TIMMY;
Yes.
SHERRY:
Are you telling me you don't have it? You . . . uh . . . don't have your work?
TIMMY:
I . . . didn't . . . think . . .
SHERRY:
No, you didn't, Timmy. Well . . . uh . . . I don't think you'll be going to the Fringe.
TIMMY:
No, Mrs. Garish! Please!!
SHERRY:
I . . . uh . . . just don't think so.
(Lights change.)
scene twenty-nine
The Boudoir of Mrs. Sherry Garish
(SHERRY)
SHERRY: (on phone)
Well . . . uh . . . yeah. We can just tell everyone he's on . . . uh . . . drugs!
They all are; it's a safe . . . uh . . . bet. Besides, oh, I've . . . uh . . . got
it! These drugs he's . . . uh . . . taking for the D D T or whatever. Yeah, A D D---Z
Z Z is what I call it. The drugs he's on for it--I know you insisted, Maryjane, but
drugs are drugs. Who cares. Just . . . uh . . . tell everyone he's on drugs. Oh,
uh, think nothing of it. I'm . . . uh . . . surprised you didn't think of it yourself.
Yeah. Oh, God, it's the end of the day and I'm . . . uh . . . getting giddy. Haha!
Bye.
(She hangs up and goes to her dressing mirror, where she sits and begins to put on
heavy theatrical makeup. By the end of the monologue, she looks quite macabre.)
Hello, my darling. Here we are again. You . . . know me better than anyone, don't
you? You know all my darkest secrets. And you still have eyes for no one else, do
you,
I-44
my shining star. Oh, yes, you are. You're a star! Star! Star! Star! Star! And my
fans all thought I was an ice princess. Unattainable. Divine. I was aristocracy to
them. And my father was a fucking bricklayer! A bricklayer! Haha! Even so, they couldn't
deny me the world at my feet, on their knees, lit by the torchlight of a million
fans stretching down the hillside holding out their autograph pens, tears in their
eyes and mouths agape, all squealing the name that you and I both adore more than
stardom itself--our own!
We have given suck,
And know how tender 'tis to love
The babe that milks us;
We would, while it was smiling in our face,
Have pluck'd our nipple from his boneless gums
And dash'd the brains out.
By day and night he wrongs me; every hour
He flashes into one gross crime or other
That sets us all at odds. I'll not endure it.
Let that Timmy McCord spread vile gossip
Then let him roam in fear through unknown lands,
An exile, hated, poor, without a home;
A "lifer" now too well known,let him, in vain,
Seek alien doors--and long for me, his teacher!
I will o'erthrow and bring to naught the world!
My hate shall never cease to seek revenge.
What avail
Is reason? Madness has o'ercome and reigns;
The unbridled, winged one in all the world
Holds sway.
O Timmy! Timmy! How glorious was he then!
A fillet bound his locks, a modest blush
Reddened his tender cheeks, on his soft arms
Were iron muscles.
Lo! such he was when he made glad his foe,
Thus proudly did he hold his head; in thee
Shines forth his manly beauty unadorned
But greater; all my husband is in thee. . .
Have pity on my love. If not, then
Put on what weary negligence you please,
I-45
You and your fellows; I'd have it come to question.
If he distaste it, let him to my sister,
Whose mind and mine, I know, in that are one,
Not to be over-rul'd. Idle old man,
That still would manage those authorities
That he hath given away! If he had managed it,
Then I would have no need of his younger mirror.
Now, by my life,
Old fools are babies again, and must be us'd
With checks as flatteries, when they are seen abus'd.
Milk-liver'd husband!
That bear'st a cheek for blows, a head for wrongs,
Who hast not in thy brows an eye discerning
Thine honour from thy suffering . . .
Dos't thou mean that thou art turning this down?
Is't possible that's what thou meanst?
We can't keep putting it off this way.
Because you're going to die and you know you're going to die.
I hope you die. I hope you die soon.
I'll be waiting for you to die.
I told you I married you for something.
It turned out it was only for this.
This wasn't what I wanted, but it was something.
I never thought about it much, but if I had,
I'd have known that you would die before I would.
I'm lucky, Pauley. I've always been lucky.
I'll be lucky again. In another life. Timmy,
Take thou my soldiers, prisoners, patrimony;
Dispose of them, of me; the walls are thine.
Witness the world, that I create thee here
My lord and master. Let the drum strike and
Prove my title thine. Sick, O, sick!
My sickness grows upon me.
Thrust the torches in my eyes;
Kill, burn; the furies have me in their power!
Timmy, command the avenging goddesses
To leave me, and the shades to seek their place
I-46
In the infernal regions without fear;
Here leave me to myself, and use this hand
That held the sword--your soul has found revenge.
With my own hands I'll pay thee what I owe,
Into this sinful breast will thrust the sword,
Will by one deed take Sherry's life away,
And cleanse her from her sin . . .
We want you, my lovely. We want you now!
(Slow crossfade with TIMMY lying on the floor of his bedroom, shaking uncontrollably,
his face grimacing in a horrifying display of grotesque facial tics. LIZARD ENTERS.)
scene thirty
The McCord Home
(TIMMY, LIZARD and WILLARD)
LIZARD:
Oh my God!! Timmy!! Timmy!! Timmy, what's wrong? Timmy?
(LIZARD tries to help him, but to no avail. She runs across the stage toward WILLARD
who is another part of the house.)
Willard! Willard! Timmy! We have to . . . ! Timmy is having some kind of breakdown!
He's on the floor and he's shaking and he can't talk!!
WILLARD:
Oh you. Haha!
ACT ONE
SHERRY GARISH
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